3 steps to be more assertive

By Brian Maynor

 

I hate conflict.  In fact, I use to run from it, and that often means enduring or witnessing rude, inappropriate or unprofessional behavior from others.

In my mind it was hard to differentiate being assertive from being aggressive, which is common for people who are naturally shy or introverted, but it was a terrible feeling, wanting to do the right thing while being afraid of coming across as aggressive.

Luckily I found a way to alleviate my fear and address conflict in a constructive way.

I won’t lie.  At first it was uncomfortable and awkward, but with patience and practice these three steps could help you harness your inner assertiveness too.  Here’s what you need to know:

Step 1 – Form a short, simple and objective statement about the other person’s behavior.  This is essentially what they are doing that you would like to change.  The point is to get their attention.  Now, it is important to deliver your statement in an emotionally neutral, even keel manner.  Otherwise you run the risk of making them defensive.

Step 2 – Explain the negative impact the behavior has on you.  In other words, relate why the behavior is causing a problem.  The consequence should be actionable instead of merely emotional, and again it should be short, direct and objective.  The idea is to create a logical cause and effect link between the behavior and the effect.

Step 3 – End with feeling.  This is when you want to insert how the behavior makes you feel.  This may surprise the other person, and make them uncomfortable, but there really isn’t a rebuke to our feelings.  How we feel is how we feel, and it’s perfectly valid.

All together, it doesn’t take more than a sentence to put these steps together.  For example, “When you constantly interrupt me in a meeting, I don’t have the opportunity to share my opinion and I feel marginalized.”  Sometimes that’s all it takes to change someone’s behavior, but there are no guarantees.  Regardless of the reaction, remember to remain calm, steady and confident.

 

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I am always curious to hear about your weekend wardrobe dilemmas and help make your work wardrobe pull double duty.  Email your questions, quandaries and conundrums to [email protected].  Also find each of these storyboards at http://brianmaynor.polyvore.com with links to purchase each item.

 

 

About Brian Maynor

Brian Maynor has built a reputation as one of the leading style coaches in the Southeast and is quickly expanding his eponymous company, BRIAN MAYNOR and his FIND, FLATTER & FLAUNT line of image consulting services. A professional with a fresh, upbeat and down-to-earth personality and boundless creative energy, he works frequently with with local celebrities; Fortune 500 companies and nonprofit organizations; modeling agencies; fashion designers; production companies; record labels; media and individuals. A regular contributor to various fashion blogs and online communities, Brian Maynor is one of the most trusted and recognized style experts in the region, utilizing his education and training as a broadcast journalist to serve as a style lecturer, emcee, and commentator for over a decade. He has appeared at fashion shows, expos, and charity fundraisers, as well as events with big brands like Banana Republic, Ann Taylor, Chico’s and Macy’s. His approach is innovative, creative and fashion-forward, balancing fresh, modern styles with classic pieces to keep one’s look grounded. To learn more, visit http://www.brianmaynor.com.

 

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