4 Simple Questions to Control Emotional Explosions
May 10, 2016
By Brian Maynor
Communication is easy and instant. With texts and emails within a few seconds, we can fire off a thoughtless message that can wreak a lot of havoc and turmoil.
While you may not have experienced a drunk texting, Facebook posting or emailing situation trust that they never end well, but I am willing to bet you’ve received and sent an angry, frustrated or disappointment text or email in the height of those emotions. Just like the drunk texts or emails, these never end well.
Fortunately Peter Bregman, a professional coach and consultant for CEOs and leadership teams, has nailed down four simple and easy questions to ask yourself before firing off that email or text in the midst of heightened emotions. Here’s the breakdown:
1. What is the desired outcome? A seemingly logical question that is often overlooked because we tend to respond based on our emotions at the time. These kneejerk responses often have no outcome plan except to express our feelings at the time, and that’s not very productive. So before you ever put your hands on a keyboard, know exactly what you want to achieve with the message.
2. How to achieve this outcome? Once you know what you want, the next logical step is figuring out what to say to achieve it. Often simple tweaks and word choice can have a dramatic effect here. Often times we lash out in anger when we feel hurt or excluded because it’s easier, but instead be authentic and express your hurt or disappointment. It’s harder to do, but the better way to achieve your outcome of inclusion and communication.
3. Which communication tool best serves this outcome? Texts and emails are quick and easy, but they are not great for conveying emotions or actually being heard. Face-to-face or telephone conversations are better for this because they are just that, conversations. Listening first is the best practice to be heard later in the conversation.
4. When should I communicate to achieve the desired outcome? This is probably the hardest part since many of us want to lash out immediately as a gut reaction. Again, these emotional messages are not going to achieve any outcome other than continued emotional exchanges and possibly damage to relationships. Peter’s tip is to never communicate when you feel like it; only when you feel it will be best received.
Tension is a natural part of working closely with others, and taking time before you respond is great, as long as you aren’t simmering and making things worse for yourself. Taking time is supposed to help you calm down and process logically a plan and clear goal for the communication.
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I am always curious to hear from you and what you see in the workplace. Send your questions, comments and pet peeves to [email protected]. Also find each of these storyboards at http://brianmaynor.polyvore.com with links to purchase each item.
About Brian Maynor
Brian Maynor has built a reputation as one of the leading style coaches in the Southeast and is quickly expanding his eponymous company, BRIAN MAYNOR and his FIND, FLATTER & FLAUNT line of image consulting services. A professional with a fresh, upbeat and down-to-earth personality and boundless creative energy, he works frequently with with local celebrities; Fortune 500 companies and nonprofit organizations; modeling agencies; fashion designers; production companies; record labels; media and individuals. A regular contributor to various fashion blogs and online communities, Brian Maynor is one of the most trusted and recognized style experts in the region, utilizing his education and training as a broadcast journalist to serve as a style lecturer, emcee, and commentator for over a decade. He has appeared at fashion shows, expos, and charity fundraisers, as well as events with big brands like Banana Republic, Ann Taylor, Chico’s and Macy’s. His approach is innovative, creative and fashion-forward, balancing fresh, modern styles with classic pieces to keep one’s look grounded. To learn more, visit http://www.brianmaynor.com.
