The Power of a Compliment

By Connie Cleveland

 

All I ever wanted to be was a dog trainer. I still have the letter I wrote as a 12-year-old to a guide dog school asking them what I had to do to get a job, and how soon I could do it.

I was fortunate in that my parents allowed their dog crazy kid to have a dog and then supported me as I explored every dog training activity I could find. I grew from getting free help at the local obedience club to working with professional trainers, first in class settings and then as a private student.

It was the summer that I had turned 21-years-old, and my mentor turned to me, looked me in the eye and said, “You are really good at this.” I was embarrassed, and with an “ah shucks” attitude that rivaled Opie in Mayberry, I said something about how she must say that to everyone.

“No,” she told me, “in all the years I’ve been teaching, I’ve only said that one other time. You are a gifted dog trainer.”

That compliment took my breath away. It also solidified the direction that I desperately wanted my life to take.

A compliment is defined as praise or approval. However, “compliment” doesn’t really define how life changing that statement was for me. It was more than a compliment; my mentor had offered me a blessing.

I was the youngest of three children. My sister, the oldest, demonstrated a love for art and artistic abilities. My mother would say to her, “God made you a great artist.” My brother showed his intellectual brilliance at a very early age. My mother queried the pediatrician when he was 8-years-old about her concern that he read National Geographic from cover to cover every month. The pediatrician replied, “If this child wants to read National Geographic, let him.” My mother would tell my brother, “God gave you a great brain, son.”

Four years his junior, I remember crawling up on her lap and asking, “What did God give me?” to which she replied, “God made your greatness for loving…”

I felt absolutely cheated. My sister was going to be an artist, my brother, well he could do anything he wanted because he was brilliant. What was I going to do with such a gift? I remember stomping off completely dissatisfied. I saw no employment opportunities possible if my gift was “loving.”

Thought I may not have received the compliment, nevertheless I was given the compliment.

I have had the privilege of taking my dogs to demonstrate for a friend’s fifth grade class. My friend is magical in her classroom. She begins the year explaining to her students that they must sign a contract with her that says that in her classroom they promise “to be their very best me.” She sets herself up to easily compliment her students as her simple contract offers a way to bless individual students when she points out, “I believe you have been your best me today!” or a gentle rebuke by saying, “I don’t think you were your best me today, but I’ll bet you can do better tomorrow.”

The need for compliments, of course, does not simply extend to children. As the owner of the Dog Trainers Workshop, I teach students to train dogs both in classes and privately. My instructors and I have a rule; praise loudly, in front of the class. However, if correction is needed, do it quietly, right beside the student so no one else will overhear.

I also manage a team of employees. I certainly know — intellectually, that is — how important it is to compliment my employees, but in my busyness I often forget. Too often, I take their skill, their hard work, their dedication to my business and their job for granted. A simple, “I’m so glad you work here,” or “It is a pleasure and a privilege to have you on my team,” is a form of thank you, and I don’t believe I say that often enough.

However, a compliment is more personal and should point out a specific skill: “You handled that phone call beautifully,” or “No one could have done a better job with that client and dog than you did.”

When I compliment — offer a specific and personal blessing to another individual — there are times when I can see a visible expansion of the ego and confidence. Such blessings impel and motivate and inspire. Not only is esteem visibly increased, but the good character and the good actions of a person also typically increase and expand. Their efforts often redouble — or retriple.

So why don’t we give compliments?

I shudder to think of the number of children that never receive a compliment from their parent, let alone, a blessing. How many times have my adult friends told me that they never heard a parent say they were proud of them? In fact, the opposite — they grew up in households that were critical and sarcastic.

Why would a parent withhold a compliment from his or her own child? I suppose the reasons are countless. Instead of assuming that the parent is stingy, stubborn, or cruel, perhaps a better assumption is that the importance of a compliment, let alone a blessing, is overlooked and underestimated. Some have a philosophy of “hard knocks” living — put your children down so that they work harder. Don’t make them too proud or full of themselves — otherwise they won’t put effort into life. Some are “glass half empty” types — the process of raising children certainly makes parents alive to their child’s many, many faults. It’s hard to find the good when we are so focused on how desperately a child needs to improve in certain areas of weakness, character flaws, and personality defects. Many parents, also, didn’t receive blessings themselves, and so don’t know how to give them to others. It is hard to give away what we never received.

I mentioned earlier feeling as if I am too busy to compliment. I’m covered with work, duties, deadlines every day of the week. But are we really too busy to offer compliments, or perhaps just cautious or even embarrassed? In a world where sexual harassment is a real concern, how do we offer a compliment without fear that someone will receive it incorrectly? Caution sometimes makes us hold our tongues.

Sadly, too, I sometimes qualify my compliment by saying something that neutralizes the remark like, “I like to point out to my students or employees when I think they have a real gift or ability…” then tell them what I have observed. In that way I let them know that I offer compliments, and blessings, to other people as well, but it often really serves to understate my intended compliment to an individual. What a ridiculous world we live in — one that makes us worry about blessing one another with kind words and compliments!

If a child grows up having never been complimented by a parent, a teacher or coach, how difficult is it for them, as an adult, to compliment someone else? Furthermore, that adult comes to receive compliments with skepticism and treats the compliment with disbelief or disregard.

So how should you receive or give a compliment?

Stop, be quiet, and let it wash over you. An attitude of “Aww, shucks, who me?” or stomping off in disbelief, causes a compliment to bounce off and denies you its full effect.

In fact, if you want the person you are blessing to “hear” you, stop, pause, look them in the eye and then speak. Make it direct, personal, and specific. If they resist, stop them with “Just say thank you.” Help your compliment become their blessing.

My husband and I were married later in life. After two years of marriage, my father-in-law, well into his 80’s said to me, “I have two things to tell you. First, I believe God brought you to this family, secondly, we are blessed that He did. You are a blessing to us. You are a blessing to our son. We are blessed to have you in our family.”

I was stunned. His comment was so unexpected, so earnest, and so powerful. In my 50’s, it is still powerful to be given a blessing.

I looked him straight in the eye and said thank you. Not only did the blessing change me, it affected how I felt about him. A man bold enough to offer a blessing — that is a quality to be admired.

So, I am not an artist like my sister. Nor do I have a great brain, like my brother. However, I have grown to cherish my mother’s blessing. Being an employer, teacher, family member, friend, and coach offers me countless opportunities to love the people around me. It turns out that yes, to be able to love is, at least in part, “an employment opportunity.” We love one another by affirming their unique and admirable qualities. Offering compliments, better yet, blessings, is a great way to make a living.

 

Connie Cleveland is a nationally-recognized dog trainer recognized for her work with family dogs and dogs involved in obedience and field trial competitions, as well as dogs exhibiting challenging behavioral problems. She is also the owner of the Dog Trainers Workshop, a spacious training and boarding facility for dog lovers featuring an indoor training facility, an outdoor agility ring, and a boarding kennel set on 14 acres with a pond and walking trail. Cleveland’s eleven obedience trial championship dogs include her dog Eli, the first Golden Retriever to earn both field and obedience championships, and her dog Ezra, the only Labrador to have earned an obedience trial championship, a field championship, and an amateur field championship. To learn more about Dog Trainers Workshop or to reach Connie, see https://www.dogtrainersworkshop.com or https://www.facebook.com/DogTrainersWorkshop.