When did self-worth and self-esteem start being determined by others?

By Brian Maynor

 

 

The answer is simple, since childhood.

We are all taught that approval is conditional.  As children we get admiration, reward and acceptance when we follow the rules set by others, and it seems everyone has their own set of rules for us to follow; our parents, teachers, peers and even mentors.

This ingrained idea that our self-worth and self-esteem are reliant on the approval of others popped into my head as I was staring at my phone lamenting over the fact that I didn’t have more likes on my Instagram posting, and wondering if I should take it down and post something else.  Luckily as soon as I realized what I was thinking, I started to laugh, but not everyone would.

We all know people who make practically every decision based on what others think, or their belief of what others think.  The truth is we don’t know what other people are thinking unless we ask them, and oddly enough they probably aren’t thinking about us at all.

While we may be taught to rely on others for our self-worth and self-esteem, it really is a silly and egocentric way of approaching the world.
Here are a few interesting results of placing your self-esteem and self-worth in the hands of others, and ideas on how to reclaim what is rightfully yours:

1.   All the world’s a stage.  This was never truer than when we relinquish our self-worth to others.  When we live, and die by the approval of others we essentially turn our lives into a play and ourselves into actors.  We deny our authentic selves to play ‘roles’ depending on the audience.  Not only does this cause depression, it can result in hiding the qualities and characteristics that make us unique.

2.    Social climbing and turmoil.  I know I’m not the only person who tracks their social media likes.  We all do.  It doesn’t matter if it’s for business purposes or purely personal, we feel good when our posts are validated, and sad when they aren’t.  The same desire for approval can lead to surrounding ourselves with people we don’t really like simply because they are the ‘right’ people or we think being around them will bring opportunity or prestige.  It’s important to remember that these relationships are not like the ones with your real friends, who love and support you unconditionally.

3.    Star in your own life.  It’s only right that we should be the star of our own lives, but that doesn’t mean we’re also the star in everyone else’s.  While we do interact with other people and they will form ideas and opinions about us, it is very unlikely that they will be lasting impressions.  They have, or should have, their own lives to focus on.  The sooner we realize that we are not living on a movie screen with the rest of the world watching the sooner we can reclaim ownership of our self-worth.

4.    Be thankful for the haters.  If people weren’t intimidated, threatened or envious of you, then they wouldn’t be throwing shade or trying to derail your progress.  Take the hate as compliment and keep moving.  If people are interested in seeing you fail, then you must be doing something right.

It’s impossible to entirely escape the influence and desire for approval from others, and that’s okay as long as it isn’t the sole factor in our self-worth and self-esteem.  Just like it’s okay to create personal brands as long as they are authentic.  The problem happens when we create different versions of ourselves depending upon who we’re dealing with, or worse build a single persona that is entirely different from who we truly are at heart.  Acceptance is essential for worth, self or otherwise.

 

 

Click here or on the images below to learn more about the outfit.

Click here or on the images below to learn more about the outfit.

 

 

I am always curious to hear about your weekend wardrobe dilemmas and help make your work wardrobe pull double duty.  Email your questions, quandaries and conundrums to [email protected].  Also find each of these storyboards at http://brianmaynor.polyvore.com with links to purchase each item.

 

 

About Brian Maynor

Brian Maynor has built a reputation as one of the leading style coaches in the Southeast and is quickly expanding his eponymous company, BRIAN MAYNOR and his FIND, FLATTER & FLAUNT line of image consulting services. A professional with a fresh, upbeat and down-to-earth personality and boundless creative energy, he works frequently with with local celebrities; Fortune 500 companies and nonprofit organizations; modeling agencies; fashion designers; production companies; record labels; media and individuals. A regular contributor to various fashion blogs and online communities, Brian Maynor is one of the most trusted and recognized style experts in the region, utilizing his education and training as a broadcast journalist to serve as a style lecturer, emcee, and commentator for over a decade. He has appeared at fashion shows, expos, and charity fundraisers, as well as events with big brands like Banana Republic, Ann Taylor, Chico’s and Macy’s. His approach is innovative, creative and fashion-forward, balancing fresh, modern styles with classic pieces to keep one’s look grounded. To learn more, visit http://www.brianmaynor.com.

 

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