Proper Funeral Etiquette

By Deborah O’Connor

I’ve had a request by a business entrepreneur to write an article regarding the do’s and don’ts of funerals. What is the right thing to do when a colleague or client loses someone? How do you do the right thing in a business environment? Here are some tips to help you navigate the situation.

• It is appropriate to send fruit or flowers with a card in cases of the death of an employee, boss, colleague, vendor, client or customer.
• It is also apropos to send a donation to the deceased person’s favorite charity or to a related medical organization.
• Check the obituaries, as they often indicate the family’s wishes for donations.
• It is very appropriate to attend the funeral of a co-worker, boss, or colleague.
• Some people are uncomfortable attending funerals, but simply remember that you are honoring your friend.
• Who can attend a funeral? If it is public, anyone may attend, from the mourning to the curious. If it is private, only those who have been specifically invited may attend. It is in poor taste to attend a private funeral to which you have not been invited.
• Black is still the traditional color to wear to a funeral. It is not required, but does show respect. Do not wear bright or loud colors to a funeral. Do dress conservatively in suits or conservative dresses, similar to what you would wear to church. It is in bad taste to wear clothing that is too tight, too short, sexy or sloppy. Remember, you are showing respect.
• Many people will learn of the death through the newspaper obituary. Notices should be placed in all local papers where friends, family, and colleagues live. If someone spent 20 years in one city, then relocated to another, notices should be placed in both cities’ paper.
• Notices will inform you where and when the funeral will take place, whether it is public or private, and will usually say whether flowers or donations are preferred.
• Viewings can also be held in the home of the deceased, though this is quite unusual today. They are usually held at the funeral home.
• Wakes are fairly common. It is a party to say goodbye to the deceased and it is your choice to attend or not. Sometimes this can bring closure, as all of the deceased’s friends are usually there and it is a nice way to say farewell. You are not obligated to attend.
• There is often a receiving line at a funeral. This is the time to offer brief condolences to the survivors. I emphasize the word brief. This is not the time to tell long stories or break down. It is an extremely difficult time for everyone, so give your condolences and move on.
• There is a lovely Southern tradition in the South. If a funeral procession passes, people pull their cars off the road out of respect to let the processional pass.
• Close friends should always call and ask if there is anything they can do. Perhaps the family needs extra food and drink for relatives. They may need someone to pick up out-of-towners at the airport. It is always appropriate and a very nice gesture to offer to help.
• It is a grievous breach of etiquette to inquire about the cause of death to the family. It could be natural, from an illness, suicide, AIDS, an overdose, or any number of things. Be respectful and never say, “It’s better this way” or “At least his suffering is over.” You can think it, but keep your thoughts to yourself. It is appropriate to say, “I am sorry for your loss.”
• Absolutely send a card to the family telling them how sorry you are for their loss. Keep it brief and to the point.

With a little common sense and a kind heart, you can navigate through this difficult time.

Please feel free to send questions to Deborah at: www.successfulimage.biz.

She will answer them in her weekly column.

Deborah O’Connor is a social strategist and founder and president of Successful Image LLC with offices in Columbia and Atlanta. She offers training and seminars on image management, workplace etiquette, and social skills necessary to succeed in life professionally and personally. Contact at:  [email protected]        www.successfulimage.biz

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