Are Your Apologies Manipulative?
October 26, 2016By Brian Maynor
Specific causality aside, when you’re in the position of apologizing where is your focus, and is that the right place?
There are two prongs to an apology, the relationship that was damaged, and your integrity. Numerous articles and guides offer tips and techniques on delivering an effective apology to extract forgiveness based on psychology and word games, but this addresses only one prong, the damaged relationship. If that is the sole purpose of your apology and you abandon repairing your integrity, then the apology is simply a form of manipulation.
Integrity is about reconciling your behavior with your intentions and repairing it is an internal process. Here are a few things to keep in mind as you work through this prong of your apology:
1. Center on you. As you formulate an apology it’s easy to get hung up on how you fell short of the goal or desired outcome, but that isn’t the only perspective to consider. You should also ask yourself, “How you fell short of the person you want to be?” This is the first step to repairing your integrity, and the answer should ultimately be the reason behind your apology.
2. Learn something. Identifying motives and abilities you can improve on in the future in order to align more with who you want to be will help you gain a new perspective on the awkward and uncomfortable circumstances. These are not pleasant situations and it would be a shame if you were doomed to repeat them.
3. Merit forgiveness. An apology is effective not because of the words you say, or how you say them, but rather because they deserve to work. That means you accept and acknowledge your own accountability and share a little insight into your moral dialogue. Be honest and share what you learned and the steps you’re taking to move forward.
4. Relinquish control. All you can do is ask for forgiveness. You have no control over anything else. Some people are quick to forgive and move on, while others take more time. If that is the case focus on you and your integrity while you wait.
Apologies are a part of life and a part of repairing broken trust. Successful apologies are not the ones that simply restore trust, but rather the ones that show we deserve it.
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About Brian Maynor
Brian Maynor has built a reputation as one of the leading style coaches in the Southeast and is quickly expanding his eponymous company, BRIAN MAYNOR and his FIND, FLATTER & FLAUNT line of image consulting services. A professional with a fresh, upbeat and down-to-earth personality and boundless creative energy, he works frequently with with local celebrities; Fortune 500 companies and nonprofit organizations; modeling agencies; fashion designers; production companies; record labels; media and individuals. A regular contributor to various fashion blogs and online communities, Brian Maynor is one of the most trusted and recognized style experts in the region, utilizing his education and training as a broadcast journalist to serve as a style lecturer, emcee, and commentator for over a decade. He has appeared at fashion shows, expos, and charity fundraisers, as well as events with big brands like Banana Republic, Ann Taylor, Chico’s and Macy’s. His approach is innovative, creative and fashion-forward, balancing fresh, modern styles with classic pieces to keep one’s look grounded. To learn more, visit http://www.brianmaynor.com.