Avoiding the Adversarial Position

By Connie Cleveland

 

My family was never afraid to tackle tough topics. The debates and disagreements, particularly around the dining room table, were memorable. One such disagreement (I believe it was about Title IX and how it affected equality in the athletic department of our local university), was so intense that I left the table to return with my building blocks, preparing to build a wall between my parents. I remember the laughter, and peace resumed.

As an instructor, I’m not in the business of debating, winning arguments, or turning students into  opponents — but I am often faced with the challenge of changing their minds. For example, a dog that comes into a class situation with his hackles up, growling, has to learn that his behavior is unacceptable. The owner may have decided that the dog’s behavior is excusable — or worse unchangeable — if he believes that the dog is offering protection or can’t help his anti-social behavior.

Observers of a dog’s defensive or aggressive behavior in class might simply say “Don’t let him act that way!” But that’s a ridiculous statement on several levels. First, if the behavior is not bothering the owner, he is not going to acknowledge that it’s a problem that needs to be stopped. Second, if the owner is bothered by the behavior, he would stop it if he knew how. An accusatory statement like “Don’t let him…!” embarrasses the owner and puts him or her in an adversarial position to the chastiser. And two adversaries rarely move to the same side of a disagreement, much less find a solution.

My grandmother often said, “A man’s mind changed against his will is of the same opinion still.”

So how do you change minds?

That takes work, time, patience, and insight. But one thing is of paramount importance. As an instructor, I must be sure that my student believes I am on their team. We are not adversaries.

1) Agree where you can with the underlying premise or value, even when it is sometimes unstated, sometimes unconscious. Agreeing with a value does not mean that you are accepting a proposed solution.

To become an ally of the owner of the aggressive dog, I might say, “I know he’s feeling the need to protect you, but his behavior is making the other class members nervous. So help me out and let’s explore ways to make him stop so that the other students are comfortable with him here.” Joining me in wanting to make everyone else comfortable is a much easier stance for the owner than stopping a dog’s behavior because the instructor doesn’t like it.

I have the opportunity to go all over the country (and sometimes out of the country) to present seminars about dog training. At one particular event I was conducting a discussion about electric collars. It can be an incredibly effective tool, as demonstrated by the number of dogs that are taught to safely stay in their yards within the boundaries of an electronic confinement system; countless dogs’ lives have been saved through this and other appropriate and carefully defined uses.

However, available on every pet store shelf, it is also the most misunderstood and abused dog training tool available. I was explaining that a dog must be carefully and thoughtfully taught how to control the aversive stimuli, as opposed to shocked willy-nilly for anything that the impatient owner does not like, when one woman started crying and said, “How can you promote this tool at all? It is cruel and inhumane and they should be banned!”

I took a deep breath and replied, “Ma’am, you and I are on the same side of this argument. I abhor bad dog training and I do not want any dog to be treated cruelly or inhumanely. However, I do not believe that electric collars will be banned, so I have chosen another way to tackle our cause. I am going to spend my time trying to teach people how to use the tool correctly. Please see that we are fighting for the same cause — neither of us want dogs to be treated cruelly. I have just chosen to fight for the cause from a different angle.”

2) Reject criticism.

My father, a collegiate tennis coach, could get his players to do anything with encouragement, instruction and sometimes teasing. If he thought one of us wasn’t concentrating enough he might say, “Are you playing by memory? Watch the ball!” or “You hit one good shot and saw your name in tomorrow’s headlines. It’s going to take more than one good shot…”  A coach who uses humiliation, abuse, or publicly embarrasses one of his players might have short term compliance, but not long term admiration.

A critical nature creates adversarial relationships.

3) Pursue buy-in where you can.

Learning to be a team member to my students came much more naturally than doing so for my employees. After all, they work for me! Shouldn’t I just be able to tell them what I want them to do?

In fact, soon after I opened my business, a curmudgeonly client was standing at my counter and heard me say to an employee, “Would you please go find out why that dog is barking and figure out what he needs to make him more content?” When the employee disappeared into the back, this man, a retired banking executive, looked at me and said, “Don’t bother to try to teach them what to do, just tell them.”

He is wrong.

Constantly being told what to do, without buy-in, causes, at best, resentment, and at worst, a lack of compliance whenever the transgression will go unnoticed.

On the other hand, I’ve learned that asking an employee why they have chosen to do something in a way that appears in conflict with my instruction is typically very enlightening. On numerous occasions, the reason an employee is doing something differently from the process I’ve asked for is because a) the procedure that I thought was clear is not, or b) the employee lacks confidence in his or her own skill and that causes them to stray from the procedure. Both those reasons cause me to feel compassion and empathy. My adversarial position is removed.

4) Examine motivations.

I often find myself explaining that there are two ways to look at every problem in dog training Sure, there are times that the dog needs to know that he must obey. However, long term behavior change will only occur if I can figure out how to make the dog want to obey. For example, it is completely unacceptable for a dog to lunge, growl and bark at another dog when we are out walking. As a matter of responsibility and compassion to other dog owners, innocently also walking their dogs, I will teach my dog that there is a consequence for that behavior. However, when he sees another dog and chooses to comply by looking at me as if to say, “I’m not supposed to intimidate that dog, right?” the reward he receives from me is significant. A properly used reward will make compliance worth his while. Now we are teammates, not adversaries.

Perhaps there is no other context that is so overtly adversarial than in our current political process. I’m thankful that despite that adversarial and deeply contentious context, we still live in a civilized democracy where, though we disagree, we resolve those differences through voting rather than shooting our opponent.

However, making decisions through voting doesn’t necessarily change opinions or minds. The process includes and maintains adversarial engagement. Instead of working to persuade and change minds, our system certainly encourages and escalates conflict. The result is that Mark Twain’s cynical comment about adversarial relationships seems to be genuinely believed by all sides in the political arena: “The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.”

I’m an optimist. I know I only elicit real change when I avoid the adversarial position; when I find some point of agreement, however slender; when I reject, or at least lessen, criticism; when I pursue buy-in; and when I examine an erstwhile adversary’s motivations.

And sometimes that change is in me, not my former adversary.

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.”

― Leo Tolstoy

 

 

About Connie Cleveland

Connie Cleveland is a nationally-recognized dog trainer recognized for her work with family dogs and dogs involved in obedience and field trial competitions, as well as dogs exhibiting challenging behavioral problems. She is also the owner of the Dog Trainers Workshop, a spacious training and boarding facility for dog lovers featuring an indoor training facility, an outdoor agility ring, and a boarding kennel set on 14 acres with a pond and walking trail. Cleveland’s eleven obedience trial championship dogs include her dog Eli, the first Golden Retriever to earn both field and obedience championships, and her dog Ezra, the only Labrador to have earned an obedience trial championship, a field championship, and an amateur field championship. To learn more about Dog Trainers Workshop or to reach Connie, see https://www.dogtrainersworkshop.com or https://www.facebook.com/DogTrainersWorkshop.