Chomp!

By Ron Aiken
November 1, 2013

Chomp!’s Halloween Special! And, Have you asked your doctor about Cocosta?

It was just Halloween, and that means just one thing for Chomp! – a belly full of chocolate. Chocolate-belly, as it is clinically known, is a serious medical condition that can be treated. (Ask your doctor about Cocosta. It has been shown to be effective in clinical trials, though possible side effects may include temporary to permanent blindness, sporadic limb formation, asymetrical hearing, tonsil rot, premature weathering of the ears and periodic paralysis of the throat and vocal cords that can prevent swallowing and/or speech).

Me, I welcome chocolate-belly without the need to reach for the medical cabinet. I endure its side effects (unbridled mouth joy and euphoric body buzz, followed by a mild crash and sleep) and know that it’s just once a year, so why stinge yourself? Also, I take a moment to enjoy, besides the candy, the pure act itself of pillaging of others’ booty. For it is a parent’s God-given right to plunder, ruthlessly, the best candy their children walked miles to secure.

It’s a time-honored tradition and one that will only stop by the outright cancellation of Halloween forever. So until that happens, kids, just deal with us taking your Reese’s, your Snickers, your peanut M&M’s. Give me your mini-Almond Joys, your Hershey’s Dark Chocolate, even your krackel’s – always the last left of the Halloween loot. On that note, why krackel’s always seem to be last is beyond me; maybe it’s because krackel’s are kind of a gyp as a candy bar. It’s just the worst-quality chocolate (no cocoa butter, just oil substitutes) all aired-out with some rice. It’s a crap product, really, truth be told, one Hersey’s seems to make a lot of (at my house, besides the krackel’s, the Mr. Goodbars also are the last-eaten of any holiday chocolate).

Also, Chomp! knows Halloween is over and all, but a moment should be taken to lament the day when miniature chocolate bars replaced real chocolate bars for Halloween treats. I don’t know precisely when Big Candy pulled this cruel switcheroo; perhaps it was in the early 1990s, when America’s funny-bone was being tickled by Sinbad, we all were busy doing the electric slide and our attention as a nation was distracted by such issues as what things of MC Hammer’s we could or could not touch.

Whenever it happened, it was a grievous sin, people should be retroactively punished – corporally, preferably – and state and national flags should be flown at half, or dare I say, miniature, mast. Until then, and since my sugar-high is wearing off and I’m crashing big-time, I bid you adieu until next week, when Chomp! will discuss such things as Vietnamese food, the expansion of the Miyo’s empire or maybe the origin of shrimp and grits (Chomp! knows a guy). Which will it be? Find out next week!