Chomp!

By Ron Aiken
October 4, 2013

Who makes the ulta pizza? You do!

OK, I know ulta is not a word. But it should be, and thus, I will use it until it gains the acceptance it so richly deserves. Pretty ulta of me, right?

Maybe, like Chomp!, you get sick of takeout pizza. It’s not great, it’s not horrible. It stanches your hunger but paunches your belly and sickens your soul. That’s right. Delivery pizza will sicken your soul. It’s a known fact of science, like centrifugal force and lasers.

So, you love pizza, you crave pizza, but what to do? Make it yourself, bozo! Of course! (I call you a bozo only because you are so clearly NOT a bozo if you are reading this column; it’s a known fact of humor that you can laugh at others’ misfortunes – such as being born a bozo – if there are no bozos, in fact, among you).

How do we make a gourmet pizza at home? It’s totes simple. (Totes, I learned recently from watching Santa Paws 2: The Santa Pups, is how the kids say totally these days. You’re welcome!)

Chomp! spent about $30 on this pizza, but he did not need to spend that much. There was some splurging on shitake mushrooms that were entirely unnecessary to the flavor but entirely necessary to my sense of exotic whimsy, there was the olive oil that Chomp! had to buy because there was none at home and there was blue cheese that, like the shitake shrooms, was a whim buy. You’ll be quite fine without either on your pizza. I also splurged for chorizo when a pepperoni stick is my go-to. OK, lets do this!

Here’s what I used!

Ingredients:
1 package, portobello mushrooms
1 package, exotic mushrooms (with Shitake! Just say it and try not to smile! Shitake!)
1 jar, sundried tomato pesto
olive oil
1 package, Italian five cheese blend
1 avocado
1 container, blue cheese
1 package, grilled chicken strips
1 package, chorizo (or, better yet, get yourself a pepperoni stick)
1 pre-made pizza crust

Directions:
First thing, get out your pizza crust. The package I got had two in it, so my recommendation to you is to use one to make the pizza I’m telling you about, then with the other make a dessert pizza with fruit and toppings and sweet spices and chocolate sauce and whipped cream and scoop some ice cream with it. But that’s a column for another day.

Now, use whatever baster you have and baste your entire crust, ESPECIALLY the edges, with olive oil. Don’t soak it, just glisten it. Now, empty your container of sundried tomato pesto out for your base. I recommend sundried tomato pesto over any other kind of tomato paste, and you will thank me for this recommendation after you’ve had it.

Here’s the pizza with just the sauce down:

Now, cut that avocado into pieces and toss it on, along with the grilled chicken, mushrooms and add a layer of your cheese. I’ll talk about the pepperoni here. ALWAYS BUY PEPPERONI IN STICK FORM. Never buy it sliced. Ever. Take the stick, slice off the greasy skin (it’s easy, if messy), then cut super-thick chunks of pepperoni. When you bite into these later, you will never, ever, want thinly sliced pepperoni again and you will think poorly of those who do. Got it? Good.

At this point, your pizza will look like so:

Pretty good, right?

Now, add the rest of your cheese, the blue, the whatever else you want, and lightly season the top for color. If you have fresh herbs (basil, mint, oregano), add them, man! If not, dried herbs are fine. Also at this point, once all the toppings are loaded, baste the exposed outer crust one more time just before you put it in your preheated oven (450 degrees) so that it looks like this:

See how it glistens! See how it shines!

Put it in the oven now, and bake for as long as you deem necessary. Since I like my crust on the crispy side and because the pizza is so deep it needs a good cooking time, I’d check it after 15 minutes and every five minutes thereafter to your taste.

Here’s the result!

 

And, the result on a plate!

Beyond the amazing flavor – and it’s quite a meal, too, because you WILL have leftovers – by far the most fun part of this is the experience of making a pizza. If you have children of any age, they will LOVE putting the toppings on the pizza. You can even have them spell stuff, make smiley faces, whatever. You can have them put special things on their own slices of pizza, even, before it goes into the oven. The beauty of that is that no matter how the pizza comes out, they will say they love it because they had a hand in making it.

So, what are you waiting for, bozo? You should totes make that ulta pizza tonight! Enjoy!

Follow Chomp! on Twitter @RonAiken and on Facebook. Email Chomp! at [email protected]. He even answers his phone sometimes: 803-200-8809. Cheers!  

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