Dating Advice: Dear Debby and Jerry
November 15, 2013
November 15, 2013
Dear Debby and Jerry,
I have been on and off a very popular Internet dating site for about 2 years. I am beginning to think that most matches are more about hope than reality. It seems that everyone fantasizes about the people they see and read about based on their pictures, profiles and interests. I guess you might say most, including myself, have hopefully projected onto their matches attributes that are not there. This discovery process has been very disappointing. I do not think it is just me, as I have heard the same comments from others. I suppose the fault rests with each of us and we should not make our expectations too high or it will be disappointing. Do you hear this from others?
Reeves, Columbia, SC
Dear Reeves,
I think you have hit upon a very salient point. We all have our hopes and dreams about whom we would like as a partner and I’m afraid we often project attributes and qualities we want to see. The true “match” will be accepted as they are and they will accept you for whom you are. This happens more often than you think, but it can take a long time to find. It really depends upon how much patience, perseverance, and time you are willing to give. Think about what is really important to you and act accordingly.
Debby
Dear Reeves,
Yes, there are many stories of expectations not matching reality from those on Internet dating sites. Certainly, there is nothing wrong with dreaming about the perfect match, but pictures and profiles are only that which ignites that dream. Reality is peeling away many layers of a person’s makeup to determine compatibility. If your hopes and dreams are humanly unrealistic then that is definitely fantasy. Everyone on Internet dating has their flaws…..including you! Maybe, making an adjustment in your expectations, but not lowering hopes will allow you to stay the course until you find one that is closest to your dreams.
Jerry
Dear Debby and Jerry,
I have found fidelity to be a rare trait on Internet dating. I don’t understand this need for guys to have more than one sexual partner at a time. I’m sure the same holds true for women as well, but I am asking about men. Sometimes I think the ease of online dating sites makes it easier to be promiscuous. Old-fashioned dating seemed to promote more romance and faithfulness. I understand the need for the online dating concept in today’s society but just don’t like some of the results. What is your advice?
Emmy, Blythewood, SC
Dear Emmy,
I am not sure on-line dating is any different than relationship outcomes before its onset. However, on-line dating may promote greater opportunities for casual sex without commitment. You do not have to give up your authority to control what you expect from a man. The employment of old-fashioned principles rests with you and you can set your standards for romance and faithfulness by clearly letting those you meet know their importance. Men are hard-wired to be less serious about sexual relationships, but they will respect your determination to make its importance an integral part of a binding relationship.
Jerry
Dear Emmy,
You may or may not have a point in reference to online vs. old-fashioned dating. It really is not pertinent, because it is you who sets the tone and expectations while dating. You have your standards and need to be clear and honest about what you expect. While there are many men who are just looking for the physical aspects while dating, there are even more who want an honest, old-fashioned relationship. It will definitely take patience and perseverance, but it is worth the wait.
Debby
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