Dating Advice: Dear Debby and Jerry
November 1, 2013
November 1, 2013
Dear Debby and Jerry,
I have met someone from an Internet dating site that really interests me. However, she is in her 50’s and has no children, where on the other hand I have 4 kids of my own, plus some grandchildren. It concerns me that she might not understand some of the many issues surrounding a family and how one is called upon from time to time to assist a child. She seems to like children and says she would embrace mine, but I am being cautious. What do you think I should do?
– Jack in Irmo, SC
Dear Jack,
You are right to be concerned. Those who have never had children find it difficult to empathize with those that do. They don’t always understand why you have to cancel a lunch because you have to go pick up your grandchild at preschool or why you want to spend so much time with your children. However, if you really like this woman, you should give her a chance. Explain your commitments to her and tell her that eventually she will be a part of all of this. If she cannot understand or feels neglected, move on to someone better suited. This time with our children and grandchildren is precious.
– Debby
Dear Jack,
If you plan on having a long-term courtship, you might try integrating her into a number of family activities. We have heard of several cases where the children wrongfully or not reject someone coming into their dad’s life. From her standpoint, it would seem fair to give her a chance to develop a bond with one or more of your children. For sure, you do not want to be caught in the middle of a women you love and children you love. Make it clear to her that she is your first priority, but there will be family situations that will require her understanding. Tell her you will always welcome her input in family matters, when asked. If she has extended family and friends, she will understand the parallel.
– Jerry
Dear Debby and Jerry,
I am in love, no doubt about it. I have met a wonderful woman at one of the popular dating sites for seniors and I feel like I have a new lease on life. We both have kids and grandkids, we live in the same town, and everyone gets along. The problem? She isn’t as interested in a physical relationship as I am. She is so amazing in every other way that I hate to lose her because of the lack of interest in sex. Do you think this will become a bigger problem or fade away in time because of her other attributes? I need your help!
– Mark, Rock Hill, SC
Dear Mark,
Barring any physical problems that might reduce her libido, you have legitimate concerns. Whether it is sex for fun or sex for intimacy, men find the lack of sexual response a form of rejection. On the other hand, you have to ask yourself if you are a good director. If you have tried romantic settings, genuine foreplay, etc., and this does not work, then it is time to ask her about her feelings on sex. Before you commit, you should definitely work this out, which may require some professional therapy, if all else fails.
– Jerry
Dear Mark,
I think this is a genuine concern in your relationship. You need to have a conversation regarding your different attitudes towards intimacy and the sooner the better. You love this woman and if there is to be a chance for it to work it is of the utmost importance that you have an honest and open discussion. Perhaps she needs more of a commitment before she can genuinely have a satisfying sexual relationship. Maybe she is just not interested in sex, but loves you dearly. Whatever the situation, time is of the essence and you two need to figure this out.
– Debby
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