Dealing with disappointment

By Brian Maynor

 

Disappointment may be a part of life, and while we all need to learn how to cope with it, that doesn’t mean we have to like it.

It’s impossible to go through life without experiencing setbacks, fumbles, disasters and other letdowns, and no one enjoys or looks forward to them.  No matter their size or scope disappointments always bring about feelings of anger, sadness and betrayal, which can be a struggle to get over.

The reason some people process, learn and come through disappointments stronger and quicker is because they’ve mastered the coping skills that work best for them.

Here are a few suggestions for those of us who are still learning:

1.   Manage our expectations.  It was once said that “Expectation is the root of all heartache”, and that couldn’t be more true.  Most disappointments happen when our expectations are out of alignment with reality.  This hits very close to home with me, and something I’ve had to work on over the years.  I set high expectations for myself, and use to hold others to those same standards; only to be disappointed time and time again.  A dear friend pointed out the fact that holding others to my standards would only result in my constant disappointment, and I needed to stop.  It wasn’t fair to them, or me and when I made that shift, the disappointments didn’t entirely stop, but I was able to handle them a lot better.

2.    Identifying historical influences.  We learn to handle disappointments early in life, often from our parents, so reflecting and identifying these influences can help us break bad habits and develop new ones.  Some people learn the best way to deal with disappointment is to avoid it, so they are constantly setting the bar so low they avoid taking any risks.  This goal of underachieving can happen consciously or unconsciously.

Other people learn the opposite lesson; that in order to avoid disappointment they must become overachievers.  They are set on a path of always seeking and expecting perfection from themselves and others, which is not only unrealistic; it creates the same amount of disappointment as underachieving.

3.    Reframe the dialogue.  The most common reaction to disappointment is often a negative one.  We tend to either internalize that negativity and blame ourselves or feel ashamed and humiliated for not achieving our goal, or we externalize it and blame others.  Either way, this negativity can create a vicious cycle that we carry forward far longer than we should.

The way to break that cycle is to reframe the situation into a constructive one, because there is always something to learn from disappointment.  When we focus on lessons learned from the experience instead of giving into the negativity and cycle of blame we can let go of the disappointment easier and move on quicker.

Disappointments don’t have to destroy us.  When we learn to cope with them, they can actually make us stronger and better.  The choice is ours.

 

 

I’m always excited to hear from you, so please email your questions, quandaries and conundrums to [email protected].

 

About Brian Maynor

Brian Maynor has built a reputation as one of the leading style coaches in the Southeast and is quickly expanding his eponymous company, BRIAN MAYNOR and his FIND, FLATTER & FLAUNT line of image consulting services. A professional with a fresh, upbeat and down-to-earth personality and boundless creative energy, he works frequently with with local celebrities; Fortune 500 companies and nonprofit organizations; modeling agencies; fashion designers; production companies; record labels; media and individuals. A regular contributor to various fashion blogs and online communities, Brian Maynor is one of the most trusted and recognized style experts in the region, utilizing his education and training as a broadcast journalist to serve as a style lecturer, emcee, and commentator for over a decade. He has appeared at fashion shows, expos, and charity fundraisers, as well as events with big brands like Banana Republic, Ann Taylor, Chico’s and Macy’s. His approach is innovative, creative and fashion-forward, balancing fresh, modern styles with classic pieces to keep one’s look grounded. To learn more, visit http://www.brianmaynor.com.

 

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