Dear Debby and Jerry: Advice on Dating in a New World
July 12, 2013
July 12, 2013
Dear Debby and Jerry,
Online dating has been a good experience for me. I’ve been at it for about a year now and I’ve met some really nice guys, a few jerks, and a little bit of everything in between. My problem is this: I’ve noticed that more and more men only want to date beautiful or very good-looking women. We’re not all beauties and sometimes inner beauty is more important than what’s on the outside. I’m mainly writing this to Jerry because he has the male perspective, but I want to hear what Debby’s advice is too. Here’s what I see on the men’s profiles:
- I want an attractive woman
- I know this sounds shallow but I only date beautiful women
- It would be nice if she were drop-dead gorgeous
- No offense, but I’m a man and I want a gorgeous woman
I’m getting awfully sick of this prejudiced behavior and hope you can help.
Geneva, Greenville, SC
Dear Geneva,
Of course, men would like to have a relationship with someone that is beautiful and gorgeous. However, keep in mind that beauty and gorgeous are in the mind of the beholder. That is, there is no reason to be discouraged or offended when these type preferences are stated, since each man may have a different view of what is beautiful or attractive. With that in mind, yes, inner beauty should carry the day, but remember that men are mostly visual, so posting your best glamour shot could be the hook. Also, please remember they are not very interested in pictures of your dog, flower garden or sunsets. They want to see YOU.
P.S. To the credit of women, you will find their online profiles more keenly interested in intrinsic qualities.
Jerry
Dear Geneva,
I am afraid that wanting a beautiful woman is one of the things on a man’s wish list, right along with having unlimited sex, a 70” TV to watch sports on, and an unlimited supply of beer and pizza! I often wonder what they would do if all their dreams came true. Seriously, men think they want a gorgeous woman, but that is definitely selective in the eyes of the beholder. I truly thing intrinsic values like kindness, honesty, intelligence, and loyalty are much more important. Be true to yourself and you will eventually meet someone that you can successfully share a life with.
Debby
Dear Debby and Jerry,
I’m a 50-year old guy who has been online dating for over a year. I’m meeting some great ladies, having fun, and even though I haven’t met that special someone yet, I know I will. My problem is that whenever I meet someone and go on 2 or 3 dates, they want me to get off the dating site. I think that’s too soon and I want to continue dating. What do you think?
Charlie, Spartanburg, SC
Dear Charlie,
First, understand that many men expect the same thing from women. I agree that it isn’t always fair to ask someone to be exclusive that soon. If someone does ask you to remove yourself from a dating site and you are not ready to do so, tell them the truth. If they do not want to continue dating you, move on. My rule is this: you can date whomever you want at the same time as long as there is no physical relationship. Unfortunately not all men feel this way, nor do all women, but I subscribe to this method and it works for me. You might give it a try.
Debby
Dear Charlie,
Well, I suppose you are a very appealing guy, Charlie. Seriously, you are under no obligation to remove yourself from any dating site until you are ready. When you meet that someone who is very special, I am sure you will find satisfaction in telling her you are getting off on-line dating, which should please her. However, after only several dates, such a request is premature and it might be signs of possessiveness.
Jerry
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