Dear Debby and Jerry: Advice on Dating in a New World

Dear Debby and Jerry,
Most of the men my age (60+) who are now reaching out online to meet someone new are considered “old fashioned”. Times have definitely changed. Can I expect someone like that to grow with the times? I feel like I have grown, but I am female, and most change has only improved women’s position in society. The opposite is true for men, should you ask any of them. Is it realistic to expect older men to embrace these changes? I’m talking about things like communication, equality in decision-making, showing respect, listening, and compromise. Where do you draw the line? Hope I’m making sense.
Leticia, Florence, SC

Dear Letitia,
As you have probably observed, all men cannot be painted with the same brush. That is, you may find a 40 year old with rigid opinions about many social changes and an 80 year old with very liberal views regarding social issues. Traditional roles have indeed changed for both males and females. During the first encounters with on-line dates via emails or personal meetings, you should be able to determine where your “new guy” fits in the spectrum of social attitudes. You will probably find each person has a blend of expectations and then it is incumbent for you to determine whether to go forward or hit the dating brake pedal.
Jerry

Dear Letitia,
Jerry is absolutely right in that you cannot judge anyone by their age. Everyone has different points of view on a myriad of subjects and the only way you are going to discover if someone is compatible is by talking to each other. After a few phone conversations, emails, and face-to-face meetings you will discover if there is enough commonality between you to continue on to a serious relationship. Give each person a chance and you will be able to make an intelligent decision. Remember, you cannot always tell what is inside the package by its wrapper. You don’t want to miss out on a great opportunity because of preconceived notions.
Debby

Dear Debby and Jerry,
I have been seeing someone for about 3 months whom I met on-line and thought was a really great guy. Things were going fine until I caught him going through my pocketbook last week. I was shocked and upset and asked him what he was doing. He told me that the woman he was dating before me turned out to be a prescription drug addict. He was looking for keys and found bottles of prescription painkillers in her purse. When he confronted her, she admitted it and refused to seek help of any kind. That was the end of the relationship. I still think that was an underhanded, sneaky thing to do, and my feelings have changed. Am I being harsh under the circumstances? He still loves me but I am conflicted. Please advise, I am at my wits end.
Patty, Aiken, SC

Dear Patty,
Going through your pocketbook is unacceptable behavior in any circumstance. You deserve trust and respect in a relationship and should never settle for less. Tell your boyfriend that he has crossed the line and end this unhealthy partnership. Move on and learn from this experience and you will find someone morally worthy of your attention.
Debby

Dear Patty,
Moral or ethical actions should not be related to one’s past experiences. Rifling through someone’s personal belongings is inexcusable. If you had a trusting relationship his simply asking the question if you take any prescription drugs is the acceptable way of resolving the matter, not crossing the line of digging into your pocketbook. Drop him and find someone with greater respect for you.
Jerry

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