How to read someone’s mind during a conflict
August 1, 2018
By Brian Maynor
Unfortunately we all have our fair share of conflicts and disagreements in our lives, but have you ever noticed that some people can deescalate them almost immediately?
It appears like they are reading the other person’s mind, because they are able to see and interpret the source of their anger and know exactly how to deal with it.
Luckily this isn’t a superpower you’re either born with or not, it’s a skill we can all develop. The key to ‘mind reading’ during a conflict is to be observant, i.e. read between the lines, pay attention to the other person’s actions and behaviors and listen more than we talk.
It’s important to understand and identify where the anger is coming from if we want to have any hope of dealing with it effectively. Here is a breakdown of the four types of anger that lead to conflicts and how to handle them; aka read the other person’s mind:
1. Behavioral anger. These are the tantrums that result in someone breaking or throwing things in fits of rage. Not only is it unpredictable, it can also be overwhelming.
The best way to deal with this type of anger is to stay calm. As tempting as it is to push their buttons and fight fire with fire so to speak, we need to let go of our egos and pride and find a way to calm them down. It’s important to know that when someone is in a fit of rage they are feeling extremely vulnerable and hypersensitive to everything that is said to them. One wrong word could escalate the situation exponentially.
Instead of trying to get to the source of the anger, distract them with a question: how do they propose solving the problem, and then wait for them to calm down. If that doesn’t work exit the situation.
2. Verbal anger. This type of anger is a form of emotional and psychological abuse that is meant to deeply hurt someone with words. It can be expressed through shouting, insulting, threatening, sarcasm and criticism. Like other abusers, afterwards the aggressor tends to feel shame and remorse over their actions.
To deal with this type of anger remember the nursery rhyme we learned as a child: sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. No matter what is being said, it can’t hurt us unless we let it. Instead we need to brush it off and refrain from trading insults. If the need to respond is too strong, try defusing the situation with humor.
If that doesn’t work and they continue crossing the line, it’s okay to be firm and end the conversation. Just remember to stay in control of the conversation and ourselves.
3. Assertive anger. This type of anger is by far the most constructive and healthy form of dealing with it because it drives positive change. They openly communicate in a calm and logical way, while still being both firm and objective while working to resolve the problem. Assertive anger doesn’t avoid confrontation, or deny it, it addresses it head on without creating tension or destruction either physically or verbally.
Simply because they keep their emotions and actions in check, doesn’t mean they are not angry. Dealing with them may not be a cakewalk, since they won’t mince words or sugar coat them. The important thing is to listen to how they feel and empathize with them while finding out what they need from us to resolve the issue.
4. Passive aggressiveness. This form of anger is all about repressing it and avoiding confrontation. As we all know this doesn’t make the anger go away, it simply comes out in their actions and attitude.
The best way to deal with passive aggressive anger is by addressing it directly and not entertaining their behavior. Be clear about the conflict, but avoid being baited by addressing the content of the situation instead of their context.
Emotions tend to run high during a conflict, and more often than not they make it much bigger than it needs to be. The next time we are dealing with it, these tips can help us learn to read someone’s mind and end it almost before it begins.
I’m always excited to hear from you, so please email your questions, quandaries and conundrums to [email protected].
About Brian Maynor
Brian Maynor has built a reputation as one of the leading style coaches in the Southeast and is quickly expanding his eponymous company, BRIAN MAYNOR and his FIND, FLATTER & FLAUNT line of image consulting services. A professional with a fresh, upbeat and down-to-earth personality and boundless creative energy, he works frequently with with local celebrities; Fortune 500 companies and nonprofit organizations; modeling agencies; fashion designers; production companies; record labels; media and individuals. A regular contributor to various fashion blogs and online communities, Brian Maynor is one of the most trusted and recognized style experts in the region, utilizing his education and training as a broadcast journalist to serve as a style lecturer, emcee, and commentator for over a decade. He has appeared at fashion shows, expos, and charity fundraisers, as well as events with big brands like Banana Republic, Ann Taylor, Chico’s and Macy’s. His approach is innovative, creative and fashion-forward, balancing fresh, modern styles with classic pieces to keep one’s look grounded. To learn more, visit http://www.brianmaynor.com.
