I Can Accept Criticism Without Resentment

By Connie Cleveland

 

As an elementary student I remember telling my mother that my “best friend” had said my dog’s name, Jinx, was a boy’s name, not a girl’s, and my dog was a girl. Not realizing that her advice would be life changing for me, mom said, “Consider the source!”

“Consider the what?” I asked, as I held back tears of disappointment that my friend disapproved, and ashamed that I had made such a blunder.

“The Source,” she repeated. “I don’t think that a nine-year-old has enough knowledge to know what she’s talking about, so her criticism can be ignored.”

As “consider the source” rang in my ears, I remember being only partially comforted. It was a concept that I had not previously considered and I was unsure if my mom really understood how much knowledge my nine-year-old friend possessed.

“Consider the source” was an important part of growing up as a young girl, as adolescence can be cruel and critical. However, along with my assertion that the source was not credible came an attitude of hostility. “Them are fightin’ words” often described my attitude when faced with criticism. I became defensive and throughout college was quick to defend myself, most often with scorn, or worse yet, disdain, and finally dismissiveness.

Learning to train dogs is not something that can be done simply by reading books, or attending lectures. It’s often akin to an old fashioned apprenticeship and those who are serious about it seek out older, wiser trainers, and sit at their heels watching, helping, and listening. If you’re lucky, or perhaps persistent, a more experienced trainer takes an interest and starts the process of teaching and mentoring. Believe me, it’s not without its share of criticism.

Providentially, in my mid-twenties while on a long drive, when the only talk radio was of men giving sermons, I heard a minister say, “I can accept criticism without resentment.” He went on to say that he had decided to make that statement true about himself.

I started listening more closely and wondered if “making something true about oneself” was even possible. He explained that in his position he was always dealing with his church hierarchy, his congregation, his wife, his friends, or his children, and that he found that criticism was coming at him so constantly, that he wanted to be able to accept it with no resentment.

At the end of the sermon I had decided if he could do it, so could I. I would do everything I could to make that statement true of myself.

My first mentor in dog training was an amazing trainer who had incredible instincts, but was not a teacher. She was quick to criticize. I remember a particular session where she shrieked at me, “WHY did you do that?”  The answers raced through my head: “Because I wanted you to yell at me.” “Because I wanted to do it wrong.” “Because I thought it was right!” Prudently I decided that no answer was perhaps my best response. She taught me so much, not only about dog training, but about accepting criticism without resentment.

Additionally, I found many other mentors. Some were excellent teachers who encouraged thoughtful discussion and intense conversation. However, in that process of studying and learning, it was clear that I had to constantly remind myself to accept criticism without resentment.

It’s one thing to accept criticism from a teacher or mentor. It’s quite another to accept it from a friend or family member. The relationships that are closest to us are often the ones we are the least careful to safeguard. So, to live “I can accept criticism without resentment” when a person important to me is critical of me, I respond very intentionally.

1. I remind myself that this person cares about me and this subject is important to them.
2. I listen carefully for the validity of the criticism.
3. I try to get behind the eyes of the other person and see the situation from their point of view.
4. I acknowledge their point of view and take time to decide if I need to apologize, or in some cases, respectfully disagree.
5. Finally, I try to set up a communication system so the problem will not reoccur.

Accepting criticism does not mean agreeing with that criticism. But it almost always means being able and willing to be quiet [for a moment, at least], listen carefully, receive any good intentions from the giver, receive any bits of wisdom, and then respond with care.

The Dog Trainers Workshop is a small business. My team is generally 10-15 people, not all of whom are full-time. All I ever wanted to be was a dog trainer. However, “being a dog trainer” isn’t just about training dogs. My time is almost equally divided between training dogs and teaching people, whether they be team members, pet owners, or other competitors. So I accepted my next challenge — could I deliver criticism without its causing resentment? Here are some of the techniques I have practiced.

• I have learned to love the “sandwich” approach — to offer praise, a criticism, and then more praise, thus sandwiching the criticism between praises. However, I will admit that my intense, “Let’s get it done!” personality doesn’t always remember to take time for the bread in that sandwich. This technique is a work in progress!
• I have learned to praise openly, in front of others, but to offer criticism quietly, in a one-on-one situation.
• Most importantly, I have learned that the person I am communicating with must believe that I have his or her best interests in mind and that we are on the same team.

There have certainly been times while helping someone train a dog that I have been tempted, like my first mentor, to shriek, “Why did you do that?!” However, making certain that the trainer knows that I want the training to be successful, and then saying, “I’m not sure that was the best response for you to have in that situation,” communicates the same criticism with less potential of eliciting defensiveness or resentment.

I was blessed to have my father live with me the last 6 years of his life. In that role reversal that occurs, as I became the care-giver, I would often ask him whether he had done his exercises or whether he was drinking plenty of water. When he had had enough of my pestering, instead of telling me to stop, or becoming angry, he would look at an aide or friend and say, “Have you met my daughter? She’s temporary.” We would laugh. He had criticized, and I never had to fight the urge to feel resentment. And truth to tell, I had criticized him, and he had “accepted” that criticism, with humor.

I can accept criticism without resentment.

Am I always successful? Of course not. Nor do I know whether the minister I heard on the radio perfected the skill. However, I know that my life and relationships have benefited from the intentional decision I made, so many decades ago, to make it true about myself.

 

Connie Cleveland is a nationally-recognized dog trainer recognized for her work with family dogs and dogs involved in obedience and field trial competitions, as well as dogs exhibiting challenging behavioral problems. She is also the owner of the Dog Trainers Workshop, a spacious training and boarding facility for dog lovers featuring an indoor training facility, an outdoor agility ring, and a boarding kennel set on 14 acres with a pond and walking trail. Cleveland’s eleven obedience trial championship dogs include her dog Eli, the first Golden Retriever to earn both field and obedience championships, and her dog Ezra, the only Labrador to have earned an obedience trial championship, a field championship, and an amateur field championship. To learn more about Dog Trainers Workshop or to reach Connie, see https://www.dogtrainersworkshop.com or  https://www.facebook.com/DogTrainersWorkshop.