Paternalistic lies & when it’s ok to tell them

By Brian Maynor

 

“I shall not tell a lie.”

We heard this as a child, but it’s not exactly a truth we uphold as an adult.  Doctors, managers, and the government are just some examples of professionals that routinely tell little white lies or well-meaning lies to bolster confidence, foster hope or prevent panic.

And well-meaning lies aren’t contained to our professional lives.  How many times do we tell a lie because we think we’re helping someone or to children and strangers because it’s easier and they won’t know the difference.  As much as we would like to believe we take a very clear moral and ethical stand on lies, the reality is all too grey.

Like Jerry Seinfeld, we all experience what we feel are “must-lie situations.”  For example, someone asking us how they look on their wedding day.  We’re going to tell them, “They look amazing,” regardless of whether or not it’s true.

These lies are called paternalistic lies, because they are told in the interest of protecting the other person, though they may not always see it that way.

Here are three questions we can ask ourselves to see if the other person will see the goodness in our lie, or not:

1.   Is it safe to assume that most people would be better off with the outcome of the lie over the truth?  If not, then tell the truth.

Most of the time the answer is obvious, like the wedding day example, but there are other times when we’re not sure.  Since we may not have time to take a consensus, when in doubt the best bet is to tell the truth.

2.    Does the other person prefer comfort to candor?  If we don’t know, go with candor.

With our close friends and colleagues, we often know whether they prefer comfort or candor, but when we don’t know the other person’s preference, the safest bet is to either ask or go with candor.

3.    Are we confident the other person knows the lie is in their best interest? 

The most common defense to a lie, paternalistic or otherwise, is to justify it in the other person’s best interest.  A recent study found that paternalistic lies more often than not sparked strong resentment from the deceived party, instead of gratitude, unless they knew the other person well or they had a reputation of being kind and helpful.

Paternalistic lies may be told under the assumption that it is for the other person’s own good, but in fact it may hurt them causing resentment and hostility.  Instead of lying to protect someone’s feelings only to end up hurting them, maybe we should just tell the truth as gently as possible.  At least we won’t be adding insult to injury that way.

 

I’m always excited to hear from you, so please email your questions, quandaries and conundrums to [email protected].

 

About Brian Maynor

Brian Maynor has built a reputation as one of the leading style coaches in the Southeast and is quickly expanding his eponymous company, BRIAN MAYNOR and his FIND, FLATTER & FLAUNT line of image consulting services. A professional with a fresh, upbeat and down-to-earth personality and boundless creative energy, he works frequently with with local celebrities; Fortune 500 companies and nonprofit organizations; modeling agencies; fashion designers; production companies; record labels; media and individuals. A regular contributor to various fashion blogs and online communities, Brian Maynor is one of the most trusted and recognized style experts in the region, utilizing his education and training as a broadcast journalist to serve as a style lecturer, emcee, and commentator for over a decade. He has appeared at fashion shows, expos, and charity fundraisers, as well as events with big brands like Banana Republic, Ann Taylor, Chico’s and Macy’s. His approach is innovative, creative and fashion-forward, balancing fresh, modern styles with classic pieces to keep one’s look grounded. To learn more, visit http://www.brianmaynor.com.

 

Sign up here to start your free subscription to MidlandsLife!