The assertive balancing act
May 10, 2017
By Brian Maynor
When faced with confrontation, push back or opposing views there are a few choices you can make. One is keeping quiet and acquiescing to the opinions of others, or you can express your own opinions either.
If you choose to express your opinions, it is important to know the difference between being assertive and being aggressive. Assertiveness is when you express yourself in a direct and straightforward way, without stepping on the rights, feelings or ideas of others. Acting without that consideration makes you aggressive.
For those of us who find it uncomfortable to be assertive, don’t worry. We can learn to be assertive with practice, because it is a skill, not an inherent trait you either have or not.
Think of the three options, aggressive, assertive and passive, as points on a triangle, with the optimal approach somewhere in the middle, blending all three together.
Here’s a breakdown to help explain each option, why we should care, and what to do about it:
1. Being passive. As children we are told to ‘play nice’ and be friendly to other kids. Over time that morphs into the belief that it is not nice to argue or disagree with others, making us hesitant to express our own thoughts and ideas. We are told that saying what you want is rude and disrespectful, which just isn’t the case. Being passive focuses on always putting others ahead of ourselves.
2. Being aggressive. This is the opposite of being passive. Instead of caring about the rights and feelings of others, aggressive people fail to even consider the rights and feelings of others. Being aggressive focuses on our own thoughts and ideas above everyone else’s.
3. Being assertive. This is the balancing act between the two extremes. It’s a lot like a two-way conversation where you both talk and listen. In fact, being assertive can actually facilitate conversation and encourage the exchange of ideas. The right balance happens when we view everyone as equals.
4. Why it matters. Learning to be assertive helps not only professionally, but also personally. It increases our self-confidence and improves our self-image, which helps us see others as collaborators instead of threats. This frees us up from worrying about stepping on toes or unresolved conflict so we can focus on achieving goals.
5. It takes practice. We all have to learn to be assertive, because it’s a balancing act and we each have to learn our own formula. The most common elements are acknowledging our value as a person. This means never allowing someone to make you feel inferior because you have and express your thoughts and feelings. At the same time, we cannot control how others respond to us, so that means we have to learn to let go of that desire. Lastly, being assertive comes when we stop waiting for others to address and satisfy our needs and wants. Assertiveness is an act of independence that allows us to be ourselves.
Just like any balance needed in life, the proportions are ever-changing based on any number of factors. When you can recognize and make those adjustments with little or no effort, then you will know you have mastered the skill of being assertive. Until then, just keep practicing.
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I am always curious to hear from you and what you see in the workplace. Send your questions, comments and pet peeves to [email protected]. Also find each of these storyboards at http://brianmaynor.polyvore.com with links to purchase each item.
About Brian Maynor
Brian Maynor has built a reputation as one of the leading style coaches in the Southeast and is quickly expanding his eponymous company, BRIAN MAYNOR and his FIND, FLATTER & FLAUNT line of image consulting services. A professional with a fresh, upbeat and down-to-earth personality and boundless creative energy, he works frequently with with local celebrities; Fortune 500 companies and nonprofit organizations; modeling agencies; fashion designers; production companies; record labels; media and individuals. A regular contributor to various fashion blogs and online communities, Brian Maynor is one of the most trusted and recognized style experts in the region, utilizing his education and training as a broadcast journalist to serve as a style lecturer, emcee, and commentator for over a decade. He has appeared at fashion shows, expos, and charity fundraisers, as well as events with big brands like Banana Republic, Ann Taylor, Chico’s and Macy’s. His approach is innovative, creative and fashion-forward, balancing fresh, modern styles with classic pieces to keep one’s look grounded. To learn more, visit http://www.brianmaynor.com.
