The formula for making & keeping friends

By Brian Maynor

 

As adults we often find ourselves in situations that require us to be social and hopefully make friends; whether that’s moving to a new city, a new neighborhood, a new job or simply attending a new meeting or event, while simultaneously working to maintain the friendships we already have.  Sometimes we succeed and sometimes we don’t.

This could leave us scratching our heads, because we tend to follow the same set of patterns when making friends.

Luckily Dr. Jack Schafer is here to help.  As a retired FBI agent and expert in human behavior and interactions, Dr. Schafer developed the Friendship Formula and first published it in his book, The Like Switch.

The formula he developed is:  Friendship = Proximity + Frequency + Duration + Intensity.

Much like a math problem, while each element has its own value they all have to work together to equal the end result.  Here is a recap of each element and how the formula works:

1.   Proximity.  This is literally the distance between us and another person.  Being in close proximity with someone else can feel comfortable and non-threatening or it can feel awkward and aggressive.  One of the biggest differences is what is done while sharing the space.  Remaining silent and detached, while still close tends to create a feeling of comfort, whereas striking up a conversation can create unease.

2.    Frequency and Duration.  Fairly self-explanatory, frequency is the number of times we engage or contact someone in a given time period and duration is the length of time those engagements last.  The idea is that the more time we spend with someone, either through frequency or duration, the more comfortable we become with each other.

3.    Intensity.  This factor looks at how well we are able to satisfy the needs of someone else during the time spent together through verbal and nonverbal communication.  Time spent engaged in conversation or shared experiences has a much greater intensity level and chance of leading to a friendship than spending the same amount of time focused on our cellphones.

4.    The formula at work.  The more time we spend around and with someone the more they will like us, and the more intense the interactions are, the more they will like us, but it requires a balance.  For example, if frequency and duration are lacking, in order to create or maintain a friendship the interactions have to be more intense, and vice versa.

5.    The bottom line.  Making friends is a process that happens over time, but with the Friendship Formula we have a context on how to use that time.  The first step is to establish some proximity and frequency around someone to create a sense of trust and ease, but this should be kept short and unobtrusive.  Once that is established then we can start building on the duration and intensity with light and pleasant small talk that deepens in intensity over time.

In unfamiliar situations, we may be tempted to jump straight into a conversation with someone new, but that may not be the best way to make a new friend.  Give the Friendship Formula a try the next time you’re in a situation where you need or want to make new friends and see if it works more consistently.  Or use it on the friendships you already have and see if they get stronger and more intense.

 

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I am always curious to hear about your weekend wardrobe dilemmas and help make your work wardrobe pull double duty.  Email your questions, quandaries and conundrums to [email protected].  Also find each of these storyboards at http://brianmaynor.polyvore.com with links to purchase each item.

 

About Brian Maynor

Brian Maynor has built a reputation as one of the leading style coaches in the Southeast and is quickly expanding his eponymous company, BRIAN MAYNOR and his FIND, FLATTER & FLAUNT line of image consulting services. A professional with a fresh, upbeat and down-to-earth personality and boundless creative energy, he works frequently with with local celebrities; Fortune 500 companies and nonprofit organizations; modeling agencies; fashion designers; production companies; record labels; media and individuals. A regular contributor to various fashion blogs and online communities, Brian Maynor is one of the most trusted and recognized style experts in the region, utilizing his education and training as a broadcast journalist to serve as a style lecturer, emcee, and commentator for over a decade. He has appeared at fashion shows, expos, and charity fundraisers, as well as events with big brands like Banana Republic, Ann Taylor, Chico’s and Macy’s. His approach is innovative, creative and fashion-forward, balancing fresh, modern styles with classic pieces to keep one’s look grounded. To learn more, visit http://www.brianmaynor.com.

 

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