50 Shades of Blue Collar?
February 26, 2015
By Jillian Owens
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By now, no matter who you are, you’ve at least heard about this Twilight fanfic-turned-mommyporn novel-turned-movie-turned the greatest literary annoyance I’ve encountered in years.
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The premise is skull-thumpingly simple. Ana Steele is our typical clumsy misunderstood, sheltered, just-pretty-enough female protagonist. Christian is her Makes-The-Wolf-of-Wall-Street Look-Middle-Class rich, handsome, and just damaged enough to make him endearing to the (bajillion or so people who have bought into this trilogy) love interest.
Oh, and one more little thing. His gentleman bits can only be aroused through S&M. Enough to have an entire room dedicated to it.
Let’s think about that, shall we? I love sewing but my machine still shares a space with my dining room table. Where’s the justice? But I digress. So our buddy Christian gets his jollies flogging, controlling, and otherwise humiliating women. Ana, when presented with his wealth and good looks agrees to slap on the handcuffs…because love!
Women everywhere seem to love this series, and I find it baffling. I’m going pitch a premise that I hope you find as amusing as I did when I first thought about it:
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What if our buddy Christian lived here:
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What if Mr. Grey had just been laid off from Kroger? What if instead of Dom Perignon, he preferred the more plebian Colt 40? What if Ana came home from a long double shift at the diner only to be zip-tied to the radiator and whalluped (consensually) with a plastic spatula?
In other words, would you ladies really be into this stuff if this guy wasn’t rich?
Didn’t think so.
There are plenty of problems to be had with 50 Shades. It’s written at a 4th Grade reading level. The premise is idiotic. Christian is really quite the jerk. I have no problem with folks wanting to read smut, but this isn’t even well-written, high-quality smut. Anais Nin, Henry Miller, Marquis Desade, and Anne Desclos are all rolling in their graves. I’d be curious to know how Anne Rice (who wrote The Sleeping Beauty Trilogy under the pseudonym A.N. Roquelaure) feels about the success of this…thing as well.
Richland Library read my mind when they published this post to their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/RichlandLibrary
Upon further investigation, I discovered someone at RCPL truly understands me. Go ahead. Follow their link.
“There are a great many romance novels being published today. After all, romance is one of the most popular fiction genres out there. Many of these romances have scenes where the lovers declare their devotion to one another, but in my estimation, most of these stories lack the grand gestures of the classic romances of long ago. How about a hero who sweeps his love off her feet and carries her up a staircase, or a hero who feels he must hide his devotion to his beloved, but after she leaves, he kisses every place on a stair rail where her hand has touched. Sigh…
If you’re ready for some old fashioned romance, filled with grand gestures, try these classics.”
They follow with a great list of forgotten classic romantic favorites that I haven’t visited in years. Do you remember how you felt when you were rooting for the independent & feisty Elizabeth Bennet in Pride & Prejudice? Or Sir Percy Blakeney in The Scarlet Pimpernel, the fake fop who manages to work through some serious trust issues with his wife, Marguerite while seeking revenge via his secret identity?
Perhaps it’s time we all hung up the handcuffs and fantasized instead about men who attract us through the content of their character, bravery, intelligence, chivalry, and kindness.
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Jillian Owens is a writer, designer, and eco-fashion revolutionary. A Columbia SC transplant, she graduated from the University of South Carolina with a BFA in Theatre and English. When she’s not gallivanting about, she’s busy refashioning ugly thrift store duds into fashionable frocks at ReFashionista.net or creating compelling content for the clients of Riggs Partners, where she works as a digital marketing specialist. She also reviews local theater productions for Jasper Magazine and Onstage Columbia, and is an occasional contributor for The Free Times. Any comments, questions, or crude remarks can be directed to [email protected].
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