Chomp!

By Ron Aiken
August 9, 2013

Let’s Make Crunchy Chicken Salad!!

One of the joys of summer is chicken salad. My dearest family of childhood friends, the Maceykas (Linda, mom, then the children in descending order of age: Mike; Andy; Matt and Lori (now Mastin), make this version of chicken salad every Fourth of July for a big party they host (Andy’s birthday is the 5th), which Chomp! missed this year thanks to a home-improvement project gone terribly awry.

Thus, I missed the chicken salad and have been a-Jonesing for ever since. Now, dear reader, you are the beneficiary of that Jones, because I called, got the recipe and now am passing it on to you.

What makes this version so spectacular I think about it in my dreams is that it features chopped white seedless grapes for sweetness and pecans for crunch (NOTE: Where I’m from, it’s pronounced pe-Conns when they’re by themselves, Pee-cans when it’s a pie. I will brook no insolence on this, so save your pleas for someone else, K?). This recipe is the hit of the party every year, so trust Chomp! on this. It WILL blow your freaking mind.

So, let’s get our ingredients, shall we? I went to Bi-Lo, and the prices were reasonable and items easy to find. First, you start with one Rotisserie chicken. The whole thing. Don’t get the fancy-flavored ones if you can help it, and definitely not the BBQ. The reason you’re doing this and not using boiled chicken out of a can or even pre-cooked breasts you bought – flavor. Boiled chicken is a sin in the eyes of God. Rotisserie chicken, however, is pleasing to His sight. And man, it just tastes better, I think we all can agree. The other benefit is that this is a simple purchase, and not too expensive ($6.99).

After that, get yourself some white seedless grapes. I got a bag for $2.89, and since I only used about a bunch for the recipe, I’ll use the leftovers in a salad. So I got that going for me, which is nice. Next, you’ll want your pecans (walnuts ARE acceptable as an alternative, if things hit the fan). I got a 12 oz. bag for $8.99 (the most expensive item, it turns out). I didn’t use but about 80 percent of the bag, but here’s another plus – since we’re toasting the pecans in a tiny bit of butter, you can save the leftover ones for salads OR put on top of some vanilla ice cream for a truly transformational experience.

The other things you’ll need are mayonnaise (Duke’s, of course), a dallop of yellow mustard and five eggs. For seasoning, you’ll need salt, pepper, celery seeds and mustard seeds. Please note this recipe does not call for celery. Not only does it not call for it, Chomp! Will go further than that and say he does not condone it in chicken salad in any way. Celery, as a species of vegetable, should do the world a favor and die from shame. It is crunchy water, and that is all it is. It is lousy in all its uses – ALL ITS USES – and you’ll get the flavor you want from the seed and crunch you need from the toasted pecans.

Trust me, you won’t miss it.

Now, you ready? Let’s do this! Let’s make some dang chicken salad!

The very first thing you want to do is boil those eggs. Put the five eggs in cold water in a pot, with a couple inches of water over them. Also put 2 tablespoons of vinegar into the water – this little trick keeps the egg whites inside the eggs if they happen to crack in the pot from bumping into each other during the boil. Once you get a rolling boil, turn the heat off and wait 12 minutes. Place the eggs into cold water (use ice if you can), because this will help you take the shells off cleanly. NOTE: Since these aren’t deviled eggs, it’s OK if they look like crap. Mine looked like crap, which is why there is no picture of them pre-chop.

Here’s the boiled eggs, all chopped up.

Go ahead and put your eggs in your large mixing bowl, because now, it’s pecan toasting time!

First, take out the pecans and chop them to the consistency you desire. 

 

This is how I like my pecans to look after chopping, from a size standpoint.

It is a well-known fact that Chomp! likes it rough. Uhhh, in the kitchen, Chomp! means, yes, in the kitchen is what we’re talking about. Wait, what are we talking about? Food! Yes, food! Though, as an aside Chomp! also believes food should not always be limited to the kitchen or dining room. But that, you tender-loving souls, you, is a column for another day. Let’s keep this chicken salad ball rolling!

After chopping the raw pecans I took out a pan, turned it on high and let it get hot for about a minute before turning it down to medium-high and throwing about four or five pats of butter in there. It should be noted that you can dry-toast them if you like, but with something like this, why not use a bit of butter? You’ll live, and you’ll thank me that you did.

With the butter melting in the pan I then added the nuts and tossed them constantly for about four minutes or so. The aroma is your guide: It will smell absolutely wonderful, but be careful – you can get so caught up in the smell that some may begin to burn a little. So, use good sense, and whether you stir them with a wooden spoon or toss them, just stay on top of them for those few minutes before taking them off the heat to cool.

Look at these toasty beauties! And the smell! Can’t you just smell them?

While the pecans are cooking, go ahead and take that chicken out. It’s time to get messy.

 
The bird.

Remove all the meat from the bone. For my version, I kept the skin on the chicken. If you want a cleaner look or leaner salad, you can remove it (though you know you’re just going to eat it as you pull it off, so why not save yourself the guilt and just leave it in the chicken salad to both add flavoring and let other people enjoy it? OK? OK).

Here’s the pile of pulled chicken you’ll have once you’re done.

Next, chop that chicken! I used a cleaver, the same one I used to chop the pecans and boiled eggs and to halve the chicken to get the meat off easier. Chop it as fine as you want it to be.

Here’s my chicken, chopped to my liking.

Now, put that chicken in your mixing bowl with the eggs. Go ahead and dump your pecans in there, too, since they’re cool by now (which you will know because you’ve been nibbling on them as you’ve gone along. Hey, it’s OK! You deserve it!).

Now, let’s handle those grapes. I took out the largest bunch in the bag, then pulled them individually off the stems and washed them in a colander.

This is me washing them in a colander.

Next, the recipe calls for peeling the skins of the grapes. Chomp! stumbles at this. Chomp! is a patient man, and thus, Chomp! wishes he could tell you that he did, in fact, peel the grapes for this recipe, but he did not. It seemed like a long row to hoe for a quick weekday lunch. Now, had guests been coming over, had Chomp! been entertaining, well, then, let’s grab that paring knife and get to peeling some grapes! But for a Thursday afternoon snack? Well, how bout let’s eat them skins!

Chop each grape individually lengthwise, then again crosswise to quarter it. Repeat ad nausem, as this is probably the most boring part of the process.

Here are my grapes all cut up! Yum!

Now, dump those guys into the mixing bowl and let’s add our seasoning. I plopped in roughly a cup of mayonnaise (you can probably go a cup-and-a-half if you want it creamier, but I like it lighter), a tiny dallop of mustard and a tablespoon each of the mustard and celery seed spices. I then salted and peppered by hand to taste.

Everything’s in the bowl! Exciting, right?

The only thing to do now is stir your little heart out! Once you’ve folded everything in to your satisfaction, the only thing left to do is serve yourself and those you love.

Isn’t it delicious-looking! Just behold for a moment what you’ve done! You just made Chunky Chicken Salad! Wow!

Once everyone has had their fill, the amounts I gave you will fit into a container like this:

It fits perfectly! And what’s this? A serving suggestion/free plug for Town House’s Flatbread Crisps? Whoa??!!!

All that’s left is clean-up and enjoying the satisfaction of having made something amazingly good that people will tell you, quite truthfully, is the best chicken salad they’ve ever had.

And if, God forbid, you ever make another, more plain version of chicken salad, well, former friend, you are a horrible person nobody likes. Just know that about yourself. Cheers!

Follow Chomp! on Twitter @RonAiken and on Facebook. Email Chomp! at [email protected]. He even answers his phone sometimes: 803-200-8809. Cheers! 

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