Dating Advice: Dear Debby and Jerry
December 13, 2013
December 13, 2013
Dear Debby and Jerry,
I am a widower who has met a very nice lady on an Internet dating site. We have been out on four dates and I want to explore this relationship further. Before the relationship gets serious, I would like to have a conversation with her about concerns and/or deal-breakers. You should know that I lost my wife a number of years ago to beast cancer and it was a long and debilitating disease and I do not want to go through this again. Before we go further in this relationship, I would like to propose that we meet with the intention of discussing overall health issues of both of us. I know this may sound personal, but for me these issues could be a deal-breaker. I would like to tell her that I have enjoyed getting to know her and I think this relationship has potential, but I would like to sit down with her and discuss potential future concerns. Some of the topics that I would propose are:
• Have you ever been diagnosed with a disease? If so, please elaborate.
Have you been cured or are you in remission? What is the status of this disease? What treatment are you currently undergoing? What is the doctor’s prognosis?
• In your last serious relationship, how important was sex? How often did you have it and was it mutual? Would you consider yourself conservative? Are you interested in exploring?
• Since we both have children and grandchildren I feel that it is very important to spend time with them. This includes both of us and occasionally by myself. Will this be a problem? Family is very important to me.
• Have you ever suffered from any form of depression or mental illness? Are you currently on any medications for this? Have any members of your family been diagnosed for any of these disorders?
• How important is overall physical fitness to you? Do you exercise on a regular basis? Do you have a membership at a gym? Are you committed to a healthy lifestyle?
Not all of these are deal-breakers, but the overall picture is very important to me. And of course I will answer all of these questions myself. But before we get into a committed relationship, I want to be sure we are compatible.
If something should happen in the future and we were in a serious and loving relationship, I would be 100% loyal. I just don’t want to start out with serious problems. I do realize these are very personal discussion points, but I do think that being honest and up-front will solve a lot of potential future problems. Do you think I am being unreasonable? Any suggestions as to how I should approach her regarding these issues?
Herb, Mt. Pleasant, SC
Dear Herb,
I am sorry for your loss and can understand your concerns regarding future relationships. While yours is an unusual request, I see nothing wrong with wanting these points discussed, especially in light of your past experience. If the lady is interested in continuing the relationship, she should not have a problem with your questions. I would certainly make it as pleasant as possible, perhaps over a home-cooked dinner and wine. I wish you the best of luck.
Debby
Dear Herb,
Some readers might view your Q&A as being too clinical and objective. Yes, the questions may discount the emotional side of a relationship that can only accrue by being with someone for a long period of time. Also, the questions might cull people of substance who might surprisingly rise above the answers that might bother you. On the other hand, most people who use Internet dating have already had one or more serious relationships with experiences that predisposes them to know what they want and do not want in future relationships. So, I believe the questions should be asked to sort out any misgivings that may occur further into a relationship. Likewise, it may prompt your newly found person to pose similar questions to you, yielding a healthy and informed start for both of you.
Jerry
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