Dear Debby and Jerry: Advice on Dating in a New World
June 14, 2013
Advice from Debby and Jerry on Dating in a New World
June 14, 2013
Q-Dear Debby and Jerry,
I’m back to online dating after several years and a few relationships. I’ve always felt that if someone took the time to send me an email, I would respond, and if not interested, I would let them know, thank them for their email, and wish them the best in their search. To me it was just common courtesy, and many of the women that I initiated contact with would respond as well. However, now that I’ve been away for a while, I’m wondering if the rules have changed. I’ve gotten pretty much no responses to the many emails that I’ve sent out. I’ve also received a few emails from women that I felt no connection with, and I’m wondering if I should go through the effort of responding. What do you think?
Ed, Atlanta, GA
A-Dear Ed,
There seems to be a divergence of opinion for many of us who have subscribed to online dating sites. If the volume of emails is extraordinarily high, it does present a problem. There are some women who claim to receive hundreds of email contacts a week.
Men usually have fewer emails received on a regular basis. If the activity level is not overwhelming, I think it is a courteous gesture to respond with a one sentence line thanking the sender for reaching out to you. You may further express a reason for ending the correspondence such as the geographical distance between the two of you is not suitable or that you are currently involved with someone. There does seem to be a consensus that “winks” and “likes” are not as favorably received and no response is necessary.
Jerry
A-Dear Ed,
I do receive an extraordinary amount of emails each week, and it can definitely be overwhelming. And I always thought it polite to respond to someone if they had taken the time to email me. But I have stopped doing that because it only seems to open the door wider. Instead of accepting what I am saying, they think that because I responded that they can respond again. If I do nothing, that usually is the end of it. Unfortunately, I have to go with the latter plan of not responding, even though it would be kinder to say something. Sometimes one must choose the lesser of two evils.
Debby
Q-Dear Debby and Jerry,
I am on several online dating sites and have met a fair amount of women. I’ve had an overall good experience but there is one issue that bothers me and some of my friends. A number of women cancel first dates at the last minute, and I mean 20-30 minutes before the date. Now, maybe men do this too, but I don’t know. It’s usually a text and it’s always something very dramatic, and most of the time involves animals. A few examples I have gotten are “A wild boar killed (and I assume ate) my cat last night” or “My best friend’s dog ate a dead rat and is sick”. I wasn’t born yesterday, and to my knowledge there are no wild boars where I live, and is your best friend’s dog a really good reason to cancel a date at the last minute? Anyway, it is what it is, but I want to know why they do this and how I can prevent it from happening again.
Allen, Lexington, SC
A-Dear Allen,
I am sorry you are having to deal with such rudeness and lack of manners regarding your online dating experiences. Because that is exactly what it is! If someone doesn’t want to go on the date, they should let you know well in advance to allow time to cancel reservations and in general be a decent person. Unfortunately, things don’t always go the way we would like, and I would like to make a suggestion. Perhaps you have a tendency to date flaky women. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but you do have to be prepared for the occasional feline death or sickly dog story. If this issue is happening fairly often and really bothers you, try to establish more communication before the date to build a rapport with the woman. But please know that there will always be someone out there that will be rude, cancelling at the last minute, or just plain not showing up. This is all part of the wonderful online dating experience, and hopefully there will be more positive than negative experiences.
Debby
A-Dear Allen,
Most people using online dating are motivated to meet someone and agreed upon dates fit that goal. It does seem unusual that you and some of your friends have experienced cancelled dates more than once. Whether it is cold feet or legitimate reasons, it has to be disappointing. If you have emphasized how much you are looking forward to meeting her on the arranged date that is about as much as you can do. If it is a legitimate reason, try to establish another time to meet. If she is flaky or inconsiderate, look at it this way….you may have saved a few bucks on an expensive dinner.
Jerry
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Share your questions or stories by sending an email to: [email protected]. Or mail your questions and comments to: Dear Debby and Jerry, 701 Gervais Street, Suite 150-197, Columbia, SC 29201. They will answerthem anonymously in next week’s column.
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