Hi Ladies. This is Why You’re Still Single.

By Jillian Owens
December 20, 2013

Last week lots of you read my article entitled, Hi Guys.  This is Why You’re Still Single .  If you haven’t yet, go ahead and do so now.  It’s okay.  I’ll wait.  The responses I received ranged from Yes!  Exactly! to You’re a bitter sexist!  The most frequent response I got was that my list applied to men AND women.  And yes…you could say that, but I think most women have an entirely different set of issues that hold them back.  I think I’d be remiss if I left half of the population out of my totally unresearched opinions. 

How many times have you heard a girlfriend complain that there are no guys worth dating here in Columbia?  That they’ve already met everyone there is to meet and they’re all wanting?

This article is for those ladies.  Here’s why you’re still single.

 
Stop your W(h)ining!

1.    You’re Waiting.

If you read no other item on this list, read this.  I hate hate hate the whole idea that women are meant to sit there, look pretty, and be pursued.  At face value, this makes some sense.  If a guy isn’t interested in you he’s not going to approach you, and if he is, he will right?  No.  This is so stupidly antiquated and it’s keeping you from meeting really cool people.

Here’s an example.  Let’s say you’re out with your friends and you spot a cute fella across the room hanging out with his friends.  Eye contact has been made.  Smiles have been exchanged.  But other than that…nothing.  Why isn’t he coming over? you wonder.  At the end of the night, you flash one final wistful glance in his direction before leaving, wondering what his deal is.

Why didn’t you just go over and talk to him?  Or wave him over to talk to you?  There are plenty of reasons beyond disinterest that can make a guy not approach you.  Maybe he doesn’t want to risk being rejected in front of his friends.  Maybe he’s shy.  You lose absolutely NOTHING by talking to this person.

This is where my advice to the fellas last week becomes applicable.  You should be having conversations with everyone you meet.  Even if you end up not liking this guy, he’s networked to other people that you might like, and he could end up being a good friend.

2.      You’re Crazy.

You know that girl at the party who always gets hammered and ends up in the corner bawling?  Or that girl whose last bar fight makes Roadhouse look like a Disney flick?  Or that girl who still drives by her ex’s place late at night?  Is this girl you?

You know who you are.  You’re the one writing bitter passive-aggressive facebook statuses about your ex at 3am.  You’re the one your friends end up having to babysit and call a cab for at every Girls’ Night.  You’re the one who posts that stupid Marilyn Monroe meme on social networking sites (Dude.  That girl had issues.  Perhaps she’s not the best role model for you.).

 
Ever notice how the people who post this are so rarely at their best?

Perhaps you think you’re going to meet a really great guy who’s successful and handsome and all sorts of awesome who will scoop you up into his arms and rescue you!  This. Is. Never. Going. To. Happen.  Why would it?  Why would you expect this?  The thing about awesome non-crazy people is that they want to be around other awesome non-crazy people.  If you’re not a catch, why would anyone want to catch you?

Get it together.  Work on you before you even think about pursuing a relationship.  Crazy is not attractive.  Get help.  Go to rehab.  Do whatever you need to do to get it together.  And don’t even think of trying to meet a special someone until you do.  No respectable fella is going to tolerate your erratic behavior for very long.  

3.     You’re insecure.

When someone pays you a compliment, you should simply say Thank You., not go down a laundry list of your faults.  You’ve seen this before.  Don’t you hate it when you compliment a friend on their outfit and they immediately say something like Ugh…I don’t know…These pants make my butt look so big! 

Other women may be prettier than you.  They me be smarter than you.  But if you aren’t content with yourself — if you don’t like yourself — why would you expect someone else to? 

Act confident, even if you’re not.  That’s the best advice I have for you, which I’m really thankful someone gave to me years ago.  You can fake this until you trick your brain into believing it.  Give it a try.

4.     You’re Hung Up on the Past.

Quit punishing each new guy for all the terrible things other guys have done to you!   He’s new.  He’s done nothing to you, and he doesn’t deserve your resentment.  If you find yourself unable to stop yourself from bitterly recounting every awful quality of all your exes while talking to Mr. Totally Not Your Ex, stop.  Take a breather.  I mean it.  Don’t even try dating if you can’t be your best self.

5.     Your dealbreakers aren’t based on your values.

A lot of women complain that they just can’t find any guys that are good enough for them.  Okay.  It’s important to have standards.  It’s important to not feel like you’re settling for someone you don’t love or respect.  This why many women have certain dealbreakers—flaws that will automatically disqualify a guy from being in a relationship with her.

The problem is, a lot of the time these dealbreakers are purely superficial.  You might ditch a guy for not being handsome or built enough.  Or maybe he his jaw clicks in a weird way sometimes when he’s chewing.  Or maybe he has a crappy car.  Or maybe he uses the word literally too much.  Maybe you should consider that fella who isn’t the most gorgeous, but is always nicely put together.  Maybe he’s chosen to have a nice home rather than the newest and fanciest car.  Maybe these things are small and of zero importance to the success of a relationship in the long run.  Do you have a lot in common?  Do you have a good time together?  Do you share the same beliefs?  Is he kind and compassionate?  Perhaps these are the criteria you should be evaluating instead.

There you have it.  My top 5.  I hope they help.  Or I hope they were at least amusing.  Stay tuned for next week’s article where I list my Top 5 Reasons Why a Random Dog at the Pound Isn’t Getting Adopted Any Time Soon!

Just kidding.

Jillian Owens is a writer, designer, and eco-fashion revolutionary. A Columbia SC transplant, she graduated from the University of South Carolina with a BFA in Theatre and English. When she’s not gallivanting about, she’s busy refashioning ugly thrift store duds into fashionable frocks at ReFashionista.net. Jillian has been featured on The Rachael Ray Show, Good Afternoon America, ABC Columbia, Jasper Magazine, Skirt, Columbia Metropolitan, The Free Times, Grist, and NYC’s Guest of a Guest. She also reviews local theater productions for Jasper Magazine and Onstage Columbia. 

 

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