My Nobel Prize

By Tom Poland

 

They say necessity is the mother of invention. I would agree. For years now I have fought a battle that always found me on the losing side. I never gave up though. Dad always said, “Don’t let something beat you.” I kept scheming and then things changed in a flash. One day while grilling salmon on my deck a burst of inspiration hit me that will help all mankind and earn me an honor like no other.

Six months. That’s how long I have to wait until I get the call from Sweden. One or two of the Nobel Prizes, traditionally awarded on December 10, ought to have my name on it. I am not absolutely certain I’ll receive one, but I ought to be in the running. For I, ladies and gentlemen, have solved one of humanities most frustrating problems. I have squirrel-proofed my bird feeders and the solution is a green, literally, environmentally friendly one.

You could say I’ve bamboozled a lot of angry, frustrated squirrels. And that’s saying something because squirrels are notorious problem solvers that make the phrase “squirrel proof” an oxymoron. How many times have “squirrel-proof” feeders disappointed me? Eventually, the little grey pests outwit the squirrel-proof feeders proving that advertising is often a bunch of slick words and slogans. Spring-loaded feeders that shut when the squirrels climb onto them failed. The squirrels would hang upside down on them and dine away. I’ve used baffles, those upside down cones, and they work but prove unsightly, and even uglier once bird droppings coat them.

Before my brilliant solution arrived, I looked in the kitchen for help. I greased the shepherd hook-like poles with virgin olive oil and that worked for a while but wasn’t a permanent solution. Eventually, the squirrels’ persistence wore away the oil. I tried mixing cayenne pepper into the birdseed … didn’t work that I could tell but it did make me sneeze.

I’ve spent a lot of money on all manner of feeders, metal ones, glass ones, combinations of metal and plastic. The squirrels, relentless trial-and-error experts, conquered them all. Finally, in a moment of pure genius I imagined a new way (It’s free too!) to hang my bird feeders that maybe, just maybe, might thwart the squirrels. To my amazement it worked. For five days now the squirrels have sat on the ground wistfully gazing up at the goldfinches, chickadees, and woodpeckers happily dining away. If you listen intensely you can hear their little squirrel cursing. @#%&!#! They only stop cursing when a peanut or a few sunflower seeds hit the ground. Once they’re scarfed up the seeds the chattering maledictions resume. It’s preferable to the wild partying that used to greet me right past dawn. Each morning, not long after sunrise, as many as nine or so squirrels would convene and swarm my feeders. The squawking, barking, and chattering sounded like a riot. Now all is blissful come sunrise. You could say I bamboozled the pesky little tree rats. I used two fresh-cut bamboo poles to hang the feeders from. I put the old shepherd hook poles to good use. They hold up the bamboo canes. The squirrels don’t even try to climb onto the bamboo. They just sit, stare, and

@#%&!#!

 

Smooth, green bamboo, a squirrel’s worst nightmare

 

Apparently, squirrels instinctively know that their little claws are no good when it comes to bamboo’s smooth, glass-like surface. The savings in birdseed are mounting up, making me eligible for the Nobel Prize in Economics. Wild Birds Unlimited isn’t cheap you know. A 20-pound Choice Blend bag of seed laced with peanuts can run more than $35. And squirrels, being the gluttons they are, will sit on a feeder when not eating just to keep the birds away. The birds, by the way, are appreciative and their songs and whistles sound a bit more energized now.

The simple, Earth-friendly bamboo also could earn me the Nobel Prize in Physics as well. It’s slanted by design to make efforts to “tightrope” across it more difficult. No baffles needed, and it’s literally green, blending in with nature as you can see. When its days of usefulness are over, it’s biodegradable.

Now I expect sunlight will age the poles making them a bit brittle thereby giving squirrels a toehold and then it will be time to cut two new canes. All that will take maybe 15 minutes.

My days of running off squirrels are over. Now on to another nature problem. Earlier this spring a forest a mile away was clear-cut to make way for a Costco. It’s been and will be a disaster in several ways. That stand of hardwoods acted as a sound buffer for all the traffic on nearby I-26. You heard no traffic noise at all. Now each morning and afternoon rush hour traffic sounds much like a distant line of falling surf. Another problem will be the increased traffic sure to come through my neighborhood once Costco opens.

The biggest problem is loss of habitat. Since those woods fell to the saw deer have invaded my neighborhood and each night they raid the flowerbeds. They have eaten all my lilies, Stargazers included, and all my hostas clear down to the ground.

So, how do I solve this problem? Maybe I’ll cut some more bamboo and erect a cage around my plants. That won’t help my current plant casualties but come next spring, I’ll give it a try. Meanwhile, as I await my call from Oslo, if you have squirrel problems try hanging your feeders from bamboo canes. Bamboozle those pesky tree rats but prepare to hear a lot of squirrel @#%&!#!

 

 

Visit Tom Poland’s website at www.tompoland.net
Email Tom about most anything. [email protected]

 

Tom Poland is the author of twelve books and more than 1,000 magazine features. A Southern writer, his work has appeared in magazines throughout the South. The University of South Carolina Press released his book, Georgialina, A Southland As We Knew It, in November 2015 and his and Robert Clark’s Reflections Of South Carolina, Vol. II in 2014. The History Press of Charleston published Classic Carolina Road Trips From Columbia in 2014. He writes a weekly column for newspapers in Georgia and South Carolina about the South, its people, traditions, lifestyle, and changing culture and speaks often to groups across South Carolina and Georgia, “Georgialina.”

Photos By Tom Poland

 

 

MidlandsLife is published on Fridays on MidlandsBiz.