Return To Monkey Island

By Tom Poland

Rated PG-13. When the news broke that forty-three monkeys were on the loose in Yemassee, South Carolina, people reacted big time. They double locked their doors and put their bananas in the disposal. Seems a gang of monkeys stirs folks up pretty good. The primates escaped from Alpha Genesis, a research facility in Yemassee, a small town about 26 miles from Beaufort. Where did these banana-eating escapees hail from? A place called Morgan Island, known to locals as Monkey Island.

I last wrote about this island fourteen years ago. Let’s return to Monkey Island, but not set foot on it. We sure don’t want to do that. Enlighten yourself to the daring shenanigans of these Houdinis from the safety of your home. First, just what are they? They’re a group of “very young females” that have never been used for testing. An Alpha Genesis spokesperson confirmed the animals “are too young to carry disease” as reported in a police statement. That’s good for any male Rhesus types that might stage a jailbreak.

And what about this Monkey Island? In my first account on these Monkey Island rebels a reporter from the Charleston Post and Courier described what seemed a scene out of Africa. “The monkeys emerge from a primeval Eden of live oaks, families grappling down the branches, ‘troops’ strutting in the underbrush like little lions, mothers carrying yearlings on their backs. In the mist and rain, eerie as ghosts, they surround a human visitor. They whistle like birds and screech and hiss with a sharp intake of breath. Their eyes stare with intelligence and curiosity.”

Humans dare not go there. To go there is to risk being torn apart, especially if you go there during the breeding season. There’s nothing worse than a jealous Rhesus monkey.

The monkeys were first brought to the island in 1979 for the Food and Drug Administration’s Polio Certification program. Their original purpose was to test polio vaccines’ effectiveness. The monkeys were left to their own devices, namely, to live, party, and raise young’uns. Each year adds another troop of newborn monkeys to the island. The new monkeys get tattoos of their favorite rock group or skateboard hero. Some get banana tats.

In my original report I chronicled poachers who sneaked onto the island to hunt monkeys. All that did was teach the monkeys to be aggressive. Some curious teenage boys learned a hard lesson. They went to the island for some hunting. Hearing a thunderous, screeching noise they looked up to see hundreds of monkeys swinging down from trees. The boys vamoosed to their boat pelted all the way with the freshest monkey manure imaginable. Steer clear of Monkey Island or you’ll get in a big mess.

In March of 2023, Alpha Genesis also took over the management of Morgan Island, now home to about 3,500 rhesus monkeys. The island sounds like an urban legend. Many refuse to believe it exists. Even people who live near the island find it hard to believe wild monkeys live there, free ranging, no cages, no pens.

Well hear me now and believe me later. These escapees are super intelligent and enterprising. One fellow caught a pair in his home watching a YouTube video of Toonces the driving cat. The pair had found the keys to his Ford F-150. Two young females went to the local Motor Vehicle Department to get Real IDs using fake names. Bubbles Merlot and Roxy Sangria hoped to get work as night dancers at a cabaret in Savannah. Well, that’s not gonna happen.

All in all, a lot of monkey business is underway in the South Carolina Lowcountry, but all will soon be under control. Yemassee Town Administrator Matt Garnes told the Hampton County Guardian that the “smaller type of breeds” escaped. “We’re not talking about Caesar of the Planet of the Apes,” Garnes told the Guardian. “But if you spot any primates, don’t approach or try to interact with them or feed them. Call 911.”

Don’t chug Budweisers with them either. The last thing we need is a drunk and unruly gang of primates wearing college football T-shirts arguing, fighting, and running amok.

 

Photos by Tom Poland.

Georgia native Tom Poland writes a weekly column about the South, its people, traditions, lifestyle, and culture and speaks frequently to groups in the South. Governor Henry McMaster conferred the Order of the Palmetto upon Tom, South Carolina’s highest civilian honor, stating, “His work is exceptional to the state.” Poland’s work appears in books, magazines, journals, and newspapers throughout the South.

Visit Tom’s website at www.tompoland.net

Email him at tompol@earthlink.net