A New Year Without Squirrels

By Amy Coward

The parties are over. The confetti’s been thrown and it’s time to focus on the New Year. I, like the rest of the world, usually make a resolution or two, but this year I’m focusing on just one. One unusual pledge. No, it’s not to lose weight or work out more. It’s not to read more classics or attend more cultural functions. Although all of those would be worth my attention. Mine is a bit out of the ordinary.

It’s to rid the world of squirrels.

Horrors, you say! These are God’s sweet little creatures. Look how cute they look with their acorns. Well I say, God’s creatures, yes. Sweet, no. They are simply rodents with fluffy tails that destroy your house. We have been in a multi-year battle with squirrels at my house and have had thousands of dollars in repairs done only to have them come back time and time again. If ever I get to have a conversation with God, I will have to ask why we have squirrels in the first place (along with a few other creatures I can think of) because as far as I can tell, they need to be removed from the earth.

I am intent on creating some kind of special spray that you coat your roof tops and siding with that upon consumption, cute little squirrels would gasp and run screaming into the woods. They might even stiffen and fall to the ground unable to move. (Sorry, PETA.) I must have some solution so I don’t have to continually repair the woodwork on my home.

After our most recent repairs, my husband and I went into our attic to see what damage had been done. We had been told by many that squirrels will chew your wiring and even cause fires. While fortunately that had not happened yet, the attic was a mess. Every cardboard box had been chewed into a million pieces. Christmas and other holiday decorations had been strewn about – garland here, ornaments there. Even Rubbermaid tubs had been eaten through, keepsakes ruined.

We did some research on getting rid of squirrels and learned about squirrel traps. We tried those and caught a few. My husband mercifully took the squirrels to the country to live. And for every squirrel he removed, it seemed 4 more took its place. Where did they come from? It was like a scary movie from the 60s, “Return of the Evil Squirrels!”

The other advice we received was to trim our trees. So my husband worked for hours sawing ALL the limbs that touch our rooftop. “Ha!” said the squirrels. “Trees don’t matter. We can leap from the ground, shimmy up a drain pipe or propel ourselves from a tool box to get on your roof! We’re actually furry little gymnasts that can flip and stick a landing anywhere we please.”

Our next move was to enlist the help of our dog, Betty White. While her name suggests otherwise, B.W. is quite ferocious especially where squirrels are concerned. She’s very fast and has caught several and terrorized them to death. You would think the word would get out among the squirrels – you’re NOT WELCOME.

But alas. Nothing has really worked. We scare them out of the attic. We repair the roof and siding. Then a few weeks later, they’re back.

I have yet to try “Squirrel Away” or “Scoot Squirrel” as advertised online for discouraging these persistent pests. They sound like temporary solutions as well. If I could create a permanent solution our worries would be over and the world would be forever indebted to me.

No more battles. No more repairs. No more cleaning out the attic.

Since I’ve made this my New Year’s resolution, I’ve got to get busy. I’ve got to do more research, get out my stock pot and prepare my own special brew. I figure I’ve got until at least January 31 before I lose interest and go on with my life.

So let me know if you have ideas. I’m on a mission and the clock is ticking.

These squirrels must go.

Happy New Year.

Amy Coward is a public relations professional in Columbia, SC. When she is not managing the madness of event planning at Palmetto Health Foundation, she is turning her empty nest upside down looking for fun and finding it. 

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