Chomp!

By Ron Aiken
August 23, 2013

Goop, Tingles and the New Age of Drink!

Chomp! is fit. Chomp! runs, eats wisely and drinks wisely. As a fit guy, I’m always on the lookout for new healthy things to drink beside water and coffee, which are my two main beverages of choice. I should add that by water I mean zero-calorie flavored sparkling water. Unless I’m at a restaurant, of course, where I only drink water.

So, while ambling over to the flavored water aisle at my local Bi-Lo on St. Andrews Road earlier this week, Chomp! noticed this sign:

What the what what?

Do people still call things New Age? I guess at Bi-Lo they do (and kudos, BTW, to my excellent cashier, William Bates). With the sign having aroused Chomp!’s curiosity, suspicion and desire, there was nothing for it but to grab a handful of selections from the New Age section of beverages to try and put to the test. Following are the results for you to take and use at your discretion.

I’ve divided the drinks into three categories – thirst quenchers, alertness enhancers and relaxers. I’ve also included the price I paid for them to get an idea of what you’d be looking at should you take a similar plunge. So, let’s plunge together, OK? OK!

Our gang, assembled for inspection/consumption.

Thirst quenchers
ALOE Aloe Vera Drink ($1.79)
This drink comes with Aloe Vera goop. That’s really all you need to know about it. Chomp! is not big on goop in his drinks, and while this beverage is pleasantly sweet, there’s just that dang goop sliding all over my mouth and creeping me out. This is going to sound horrifying, and I AM WARNING YOU IN ADVANCE, but it’s like slurping on the leftovers of a fake boob job. I’m sorry for that, but I told you something horrible was coming, and out it came. And hey, you’re not the one who had to drink it, OK?

If New Age means goop, then I want no part of that age, thank you very much. Keep your goop juice to yourself.

C2O Pure Coconut Water ($2.69)
Coconut water is cool and tasty. Chomp! digs it the most, which is why he was excited to try this large can, promoting 100% natural, neutral pit (whatever that means), fat free, unsweetened, never from concentrate pure coconut water.

At 100 calories a can, it’s a little more sweet than I’d like. I was hoping for something more like refreshing flavored water, and what you get here is more like liquid coconut icing. I mean, it looks like water, but it tastes like icing. Chomp! Likes icing as much as the next guy – probably more – but not as a drink, and not for this price. It says the coconuts are from groves in Thailand, and it’s fine by me if they stay there.

Real Coco Aloe ($2.49)
So this one purports to combine coconut water AND aloe together. Also a product of Thailand, the company is called Taste Nirvana International and the lid says, Happiness in a bottle. We’ll just see about that.

Oh Lord, more goop. It’s coconut-flavored aloe, which is fine, but with both of these flavors, I find that in no way would I want to come in from a run or workout or from playing tennis and want to bust one of these out. They’re all just too sweet, never mind the slimy consistency. Another disappointment, especially at the prices they want for these things. Boo.

Alertness promoters
Neuro Sonic ($2.49)
The wild berry flavor itself wasn’t much to get wound up over, and try as I might, I couldn’t find the alertness it was promoting no matter how much of it I drank, and I was very much hoping for some as it was 7 in the morning and I was eschewing coffee for this. I’m grateful that the Neuro brand only has 35 calories and no artificial colors or flavors, but if this is the result, maybe it wouldn’t hurt to go get some.

Nawgan alertness beverage ($2.19)
This also comes in a red berries flavor and has 45 calories. It’s also flat, as in no carbonation. So what you get here is something like Kool-Aid, and terribly weak Kool-Aid at that. It says it’s powered with Cognizin, which apparently means bland in whatever language Nawgan is. There’s cane sugar in this and caffeine – 100 mg – but little else you’ll notice or want to re-taste again, like, ever. If you see this in a store, please, knock one over on general principle, because it is utterly worthless.

Relaxers
Neuro Bliss ($2.49)
Having dogged out the Neuro Sonic above, when I opened this I was prepared to be equally disappointed. BOY WAS I WRONG. Billed as a stress reducer, this35-calorie, coconut-flavored beverage just sparkles in your mouth and tingles your tongue from the second you take the first sip in an extraordinarily pleasant way. It’s after-effect lingers there, too, right in the middle of your tongue, just tingling away as if it had nothing better to do. And after taking a few more sips, I can tell you you don’t want that tingling to stop. When you buy this, you’ll want to go ahead and prepare yourself for a serious tingling, because after a few more sips and a few more minutes, I’m here to tell you Chomp! is tingling all over, baby!

Yep. There’s no question about it, I have most definitely caught a buzz from this drink, and it’s SOME KIND OF WONDERFUL. The back of the bottle says it promotes a positive outlook, and I’ll be got-danged if it doesn’t do just that. It is indeed a rather blissful feeling, and I don’t know whether it’s the L-theanine, phosphatidylserine, Chamomile or cyanocobalamin, but at this point I could care less I feel so good. Of everything I bought, this is the only one I will buy again.

Rhino’s Relaxation Drink ($2.69)
The first think Chomp! Noticed about this can is that it’s a product of Germany, a nation NOT known for being relaxed. It does contain the L-Theanine I think I may be addicted to now, though, so let’s give her a sip, shall we?

It also has a bit of a tingle, though more subdued than the Neuro Bliss. The blueberry/blackberry flavor also is a nice change to the super-syrupy-sweetness of the other drinks I found so off-putting. Unlike the Neuro Bliss, however, the Rhino drink has 110 calories in 8.3 fluid ounces (Neuro has 35 in 14.5 fl oz.). So I think the increased concentration claims, along with the relaxation ones, stem a good bit from the 28 grams of sugar per serving. I have to say I gave up early on this one and didn’t finish it. Sorry, Germany, but you’re as good as relaxing as you are at humor.

Well, kids, what did we learn? Sadly, not much beyond the fact that hippies like soupy-sweet goop juice and Chomp!, not being a hippie, does not. We also learned that Chomp! may need a 12-step group for his budding Neuro Bliss addiction, which I’m kinda not kidding about. Next week: Chomp! goes to Nancy’s Nook. Kinda not kidding about that, either. Dare Chomp! do such a thing? Dare he not??? Wait and see!

Follow Chomp! on Twitter @RonAiken and on Facebook. Email Chomp! at [email protected]. He even answers his phone sometimes: 803-200-8809. Cheers! 

---

Sign up here to receive MidlandsLife weekly email magazine.