(Mild) Cold

By Jillian Owens

 

 

No.  Not again.  I can’t handle this.  I’m not ready.  I know I’ve had time to prepare physically and mentally, but no.  Please no.

I’m not talking about that half marathon I’m definitely not ever going to do.  I’m talking about fall, and the return of cold weather.  Before you tell me it doesn’t get that cold in South Carolina and that my whining is without merit, it’s important that you understand something about me.  I hate being cold.  It is the absolute worst feeling in the world for me.  It’s worse than physical pain.  You know the hatred most folks reserve for burnt popcorn and Nickelback?  That’s the hatred I harbor for temperatures below 70 degrees.

I can’t be alone in this.  I know there are others of my kind out there…reading this right now.  I want to help you as best I can.  I want you to cast aside your fear of being called “basic” for wearing sweater tights and guzzling pumpkin spice lattes.  You need all the comfort you can get in this frozen hellscape.

 

Miserable, isn’t it?

 

Fortunately, there are ways to survive this less than room temperature torment.

Get a Heated Mattress Pad.

Oh yeah.  Now we’re getting warm!  I think of my life in two phases:  Every cold night that happened before I bought a heated mattress pad and everything after.  If you’re thinking it’s probably just like having a bunch of heating pads thrown on your bed, well…you’re right.  Now doesn’t that sound amazing?  You will never have to crawl into a cold bed again, dear friend.  The dangerous side effect of this is that you also will not want to ever leave your sacred cocoon of warmth and joy – which can lead to a lessened social life and unemployment.  But what do you care?  You’re cozy!

Get a Dog.

This may seem like a shallow and selfish reason to adopt a four-legged friend, but we’re talking about survival here.  Do you really want to marathon watch Netflix from your cold and unwelcoming sofa alone?  I didn’t think so.  Just add dog, and you’ll be retreating to a warm and companionable comfort zone. I recommend Dachshunds.  Get two.  Get three!

Get some Smartwool Socks.

 

 

No, this isn’t a sponsored post.  The Smartwool Corporation hasn’t paid me off in any way (Although they’re certainly welcome to if they wish).  A more outdoorsy person than me suggested these to me after my repeated complaints that are constantly freezing and that I have the circulation of a 90 year old man.  These socks have changed my life.  They’re somehow warm – but not too warm – and they don’t make your feet sweat either.  They come in tons of colors and lengths, too.  Get some.

Drink Everything Heated.

Everything.  Coffee. Tea. Cider. Hot Chocolate.  If you’re allowing a cold beverage down your gullet, you only have yourself to blame for the chills you’ll feel afterwards.  Did you know some people recommend heating Dr. Pepper?  Why stop there?  I’ll be even Mountain Dew Code Red could benefit from two minutes in your microwave!  It couldn’t get much worse, right?  Or you could just booze it up with my favorite Mulled Wine Recipe and just drink yourself into a stupor until spring (glorious spring!) returns.

 

Get one of these.

 

Um….

 

Actually don’t.

Ever.

But can someone pass this lady(?) some socks?

 

Best of luck in that miserable mild cold, Columbians.  You’re all in my thoughts.

 

 

Jillian Owens is a writer, designer, and eco-fashion revolutionary. A Columbia SC transplant, she graduated from the University of South Carolina with a BFA in Theatre and English. When she’s not gallivanting about, she’s busy refashioning ugly thrift store duds into fashionable frocks at ReFashionista.net or helping the underserved through her work in Community Impact at United Way of the Midlands. She also reviews local theater productions for Jasper Magazine and Onstage Columbia, and is an occasional contributor for The Free Times. Any comments, questions, or crude remarks can be directed to [email protected].

 

 

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