Tan, Thin and Buff…Oh My!

By Amy Coward

We waited in line for more than half an hour for the show and finally gained entry to the auditorium. The place was packed. And mixed in the crowd were some of the contestants, the likes of which I had never seen.

They were all so brown, whether God-given or not, and oh so buff. It was a fitness and body building competition and the competitors had worked for months lifting weights, eating mountains of protein and mastering their poses. Why was I here? To broaden my horizons? To dream of what could be? No. I was here to cheer on my daughter and bring her a cupcake to celebrate. Goodness knows, she hadn’t had one in a while!

Contestants milled about the auditorium to watch other competitors while they waited for their turn to be judged. It was quite the show. I had never seen such muscles in all my life. The men had biceps as big as cantaloupes. The women had long tresses, long lashes and not an ounce of body fat. Just lean, sinewy muscles. And they all had spray tans four coats thick. The only light you could see was the whites of their eyes.

The men in the competition looked like the live version of Stretch Armstrong, including the Speedo. They posed and puffed and exposed muscles so fine they appeared to be painted on.

The women were glamorous as they entered the stage. Their bikinis, though small for a mother’s liking, were lined with rhinestones. Someone apparently had the bedazzling kit backstage. They lined up and posed and waited for the discerning judges to call another pose or ask for another angle. When they turned to show the definition of their glutes, I gasped a little at the almost full disclosure.

When it was finally my daughter’s turn to compete, I asked my husband to go closer to the stage for a photograph. When he didn’t return after a while, I was convinced he had fainted once he saw the small bikini. This was our daughter after all. But eventually he returned, photo mission accomplished.

The competition went on for hours as different categories and different age groups competed. It really showed the human body as a masterpiece. Apparently, what we eat and how we exercise really does matter. Darn it. These masters of the human physique proved that.

This Saturday I’ll be sitting once again in an auditorium waiting for my daughter to appear. I’ll watch the poses and be in awe at the sheer intestinal fortitude it takes to display yourself in such a fashion. But then, I haven’t worked as hard or denied myself as much. In fact, there’s a cupcake with my name on it going with me.

Amy Coward is a public relations professional in Columbia, SC. When she is not managing the madness of event planning at Palmetto Health Foundation, she is turning her empty nest upside down looking for fun and finding it.