Advice from Debby and Jerry on Dating in a New World

June 6, 2013

Advice from Debby and Jerry on Dating in a New World 

June 6, 2013

 

Q-Dear Debby and Jerry,

I am a 62-year old man who has been on an online dating site for almost two years. It can be exhausting, but I know that anything worthwhile takes time and patience. I have had some good matches and some not-so-good ones, and I know that eventually I’ll meet someone compatible. My problem is this: each time I date someone, I seem to get a few more characteristics that I am looking for and it makes me think that if I continue to date I will eventually find the perfect person for me. I think I am addicted to finding the perfect match. Am I expecting too much to continue this quest for the perfect woman?

 – Ray, Lexington, SC

A-Dear Ray,

You do know there is no perfect woman, nor is there a perfect man. But what you are going through is not uncommon, especially if you have been doing this for two years. It can be compared to cognitive dissonance in many ways, the reaffirmation that you made a good decision. And each time you make a little better decision, you start expecting it with each subsequent date. Perhaps you need to take some time off from online dating to break the cycle. Sometimes taking a break can clear your mind and bring you back to reality and dispel this idea of perfection. While we women are definitely wonderful, we are not perfect and we certainly realize you guys aren’t either. Also, it wouldn’t hurt to make a list of the 5 things that are very important to you in a mate. Then make another list of 10 things that you normally wouldn’t want but you can live with if you find someone who has the first 5. This could help you look at online dating more realistically.

 – Debby

A-Dear Ray,

I think Debby missed the point on this one. I make the distinction between the perfect person for you and the perfect woman. Surely, there is a progression of finding the perfect person for you in the online dating process. If each time you find someone of interest online and you also find them to possess more qualities that would make you happier than the previous online date, you have no reason to stop looking. Where I agree with Debby is that you do need to clearly understand the most important qualities you wish to find in a relationship. Writing them down on a list might give a new clarity to your pursuit. Ah, yes, women are perfectly wonderful, but not wonderfully perfect!

 – Jerry


Q-Dear Debby and Jerry,

I must either be the biggest sucker or the dumbest guy on my dating site. I continue to have dates that range from disastrous to train wrecks. Really, I just can’t seem to meet a person that doesn’t have major problems. I know no one is perfect, but I seem to attract women that specialize in ‘disaster dating’. Here is what I have been through just this month. One woman that seemed very nice in her profile asked if we could make a stop before dinner. It was to an AA meeting and I asked if she was an alcoholic. I wasn’t being judgmental, I was just curious. She said no, she didn’t drink, but thought I needed it because I had said I liked to drink on my profile. A little presumptive, don’t you think?

Let’s move on to the next date. She was quite attractive, said all the normal things in her profile, likes walks on the beach, cats, Italian food, etc. After a nice meal on our third date, I took her home and she invited me in. The minute I walked in I almost gagged. There was a really bad smell and it turns out she has 10 cats, which she failed to mention. I don’t know much about cats, but I knew this was too many. I mentioned that and she informed me that she was thinking about getting another. Even though I really liked her, that was a deal-breaker.

The third date seemed promising enough. She was very pretty and we seemed to have a lot in common. We were to meet in a restaurant and she walked right up to me and she definitely looked like her photos, with one exception. She was 7 months pregnant, which she failed to mention. I did buy her (and her baby) dinner as she proceeded to tell me that she didn’t think it was a big deal. Really? Debby and Jerry, you can see that I need your help and I need it fast!

 – Jonathan, Greenville, SC

A-Dear Jonathan,

Have you not heard of phone conversations prior to going out on a date? Profiles on online dating are open for interpretation and you are certainly the victim of misinterpretation. If you do not want to talk by phone, at least exchange some emails with questions and comments that might give you better insight to the person. Ultimately, you will want to meet fact-to-face, but do not hurry into a dinner date until you are satisfied you are not meeting a do-gooder, pregnant, over-the-top cat lover!

– Jerry

A-Dear Jonathan,

Jerry has made some good points, vetting online would be a very good idea. I also think that you are making most of your decisions based on looks. While all men tend to do this (as Jerry would say, all men are hard-wired this way and he is guilty of the same thing), you in particular need to take more time to get to know someone before meeting them. If you do this, you might get a hint about the 10 cats, a good understanding of overly-judgmental dates, and perhaps a comment about the pregnancy.

 – Debby


Do you agree with Debby or Jerry? Readers are asked to voice their opinion by sending an email to: [email protected]


Share your questions or stories by sending an email to: [email protected]. Or mail your questions and comments to: Dear Debby and Jerry, 701 Gervais Street, Suite 150-197, Columbia, SC 29201. They will answer them anonymously in next week’s column.


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