Dear Debby and Jerry: Advice on Dating in a New World
June 28, 2013
Q-Dear Debby and Jerry,
I recently had an on-line date that was intelligent and fascinating. Unfortunately, it was a dinner date. I say this because he had horrible table manners. There is no need to go into detail, but it was surprising to be with someone so accomplished that was not aware of such bad habits. Should I be the first one to tell him and hope for the best?
Joanne, Aiken, SC
A-Dear Joanne,
This is a tough one, because manners are always more important than etiquette. But you say he is intelligent and fascinating, leading me to believe that you really like him and want to continue seeing him. Usually people with horrible table manners were not brought up with the finer points of etiquette, so it may not be his fault. Of course one wonders how he got this far in life without learning proper table manners, but the fact is he did not. You have to decide if it is worth saving the relationship. I think it would be a great courtesy to him to bring it up and offer to teach him. You may be surprised how much he would appreciate your kind gesture. If, on the other hand, he does not like the idea, then chalk it up to experience and move on.
Debby
A-Dear Joanne,
The operative word here seems to be “habit”. The good thing about habits is that they can be changed. Keep it simple and use the sandwich approach, i.e., pay him a genuine compliment about the characteristics you like about him, point out the negative aspects of his table manners, offer him another genuine compliment and see how he handles the situation. Keep in mind that you are doing him a favor whether you go forward in the relationship or not.
Jerry
Q-Dear Debby and Jerry,
One of my on-line contacts has insisted we continue getting to know each other better by only email correspondence. Well, twenty-three emails later seem a bit much. I have suggested a couple of times that we meet face-to-face and she deflects the suggestion with wanting to write a few more emails. Her pictures on her profile show an attractive woman. What do you think is going on and what should I do to make her feel comfortable with meeting?
Tony, Orangeburg, SC
A-Dear Tony,
Are you looking for a pen pal or a real relationship? Do not hesitate to tell her that the stream of emails has been fun and informative, but in order to cement the relationship either you meet face-to-face or you must kindly move on. It appears that there is some degree of lack of confidence by her not wanting to meet. You might assure her that the content of the emails reflect many things that attract you to her and it would be such a pleasure to meet with her. You might ask her where and when would be the best time and place to meet and simply pause to see her response. If she does not offer a positive response, it’s time to look beyond such a virtual relationship and find a real relationship.
Jerry
A-Dear Tony,
Twenty-three emails are way too many. There seems to be an underlying problem here and quite frankly you need to move on. Unless you feel as if you have fallen for her, I really think this could be ‘catfishing’ (a fake profile, which could be someone using other photos) or someone who does not want to move on to the reality of a face-to-face meeting. Jerry was quite kind, but I say cut your losses and move on. There are too many “real” people out there who would love to meet you.
Debby
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