Kathleen Parker December 10, 2013

Make a woman laugh, Marilyn Monroe supposedly said, and you can make her do anything.

Judging from the women who fell for him, Woody Allen learned thisearly. Alas, he is the least likely role model for Republican males, who seem to have misinterpreted the meaning of the aphorism.

To clarify: The idea is to make a girl laugh by engaging her wit, not to make her laugh at you.

As Republican leaders recently began tutoring their male candidates on“How to Talk to a Lady” (my title), it was tempting to imagine whatwisdom was being imparted. A few ideas:

“Whatever you do, do not mention the V-word.”

“Steer clear of ‘legitimate rape.’ All rape is illegitimate. Whatever.”

“No matter what, avoid voicing thoughts such as, ‘This gal is probably not a candidate for Lululemon yoga pants.’ ”

I was unable to secure confirmation on any of the above despiteinvestigative e-mails. The absence of transparency, of course, leads torampant speculation. And, alas, mockery. Even though well-intended andmuch-needed, the idea that men should get coaching on how to talk towomen so as not to offend them is sort of 1950s prep school-ish, as have been some of the suggestions directed their way.

“You have to connect with women on an emotional level,” said Mark Jacobs, a Republican Senate candidate from Iowa, when a television interviewerasked him what the biggest difference is between men and women. “Andwith a wife of 25 years and an 18-year-old daughter, I’ve had a lot ofcoaching on that,” Jacobs continued.

There you go! See how simple? In more speculation:

“Madam Senator, I know it must be really hard to juggle your dutieshere with all the hormonal activity of a seasoned woman such as yourself — and I say that with great compassion because, you know, I have awife, too. Hoo-boy, do I ever! Just kidding. Sorry, Freudian boxers!Heh-heh-heh. Hey, I thought they said you gals like to laugh?!”

All kidding aside, the real reason for these tutoring sessions is to ensure that incumbent Republicans, especially those who face femaleopponents, don’t commit any unforced errors on issues important towomen. In recent years, women have been stampeding the other way like aherd of Gallimimus evading a T. rex or, in this case, a T. Akin, as in Todd, the former Missouri congressman who helpfully defined “legitimate rape.”

If I may: Gentlemen, one should connect with women emotionally in theprivacy of one’s own home. At work, you can talk to a woman just as youtalk to a guy, assuming you’re communicating about work-related issues.If you are confused about this, you should assume the fetal curl in theprivacy of your therapist’s office.

The truth is, Democrats haveengaged in such training, too. Notably, Joe Biden was coached about howto deal with Sarah Palin during the 2008 vice presidential debate: gently, kindly and without condescension or even a tiny hint ofbullying. Biden performed admirably, flashing his million-buck smilewithout betraying his certain interior bafflement.

Further totruth, except for the occasional nitwit, the Republican Party is notanti-woman despite exhaustive messaging from the left. Yes, the party is pro-life, but this is hardly a ridiculous position. Unfortunately, as a society, we’ve stopped thinking about life beyond that which pertainsimmediately and pleasurably to our own gratification.

What is ridiculous is Republicans’ incompetence in communicating their case. My advice would be to stop trying. Paul Ryan is pro-life, but you don’thear him yakking about it.

The GOP is not helped by suchcharacters as Rush Limbaugh, whom the White House brilliantly tagged asleader of the party and who may be the single greatest obstacle toattracting women. His latest insult among many was advice to womenconcerned with sexual harassment: “Please ask your breasts to stop staring at my eyes.”

Are you laughing yet, ladies? Didn’t think so.

Rather than tutor men about how to talk to women, Republicans might do betterto recruit some of their own smartest women to public service. The boysmight discover that women, rather than looking for a man to handlethings, just want to get stuff done. One does fear, however, that oncethese freshly counseled gents witness intelligent, conservative womencommitting government, they might swoon from the shock of revelationand, you know, try to connect emotionally.

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