Kung fu and lizards

By Jeff Becraft

 

Growing up, we would watch a show called Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom.  An older guy named Marlin would wander out into the fray of wild creatures and his sidekick, Jim, would usually have to go in and rescue him.

On one such occasion, Marlin had really gotten in over his head in a tangle with an anaconda and sure enough, Jim had to go in and save him.  (I am not sure if Jim’s last name was Kirk or not.)

The other night I was coming out of our bathroom and I felt something on my neck.  I thought it was a fly or a piece of hair or something.  When I reached up there, I found something much larger and it was squishy.

I immediately let out a kung fu yell, “Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!,” and flung it to the ground.

I was expecting to see a giant roach (some people call them palmetto bugs but a roach is a roach by any other name) but it wasn’t – it was a lizard.  Now, he wasn’t Lizard Man or anything (that would give more credibility to the kung fu yell) and he had not strolled in from some late night movie where he had just mashed several cities… he was simply a regular green lizard like the ones that run around on our front porch.  But still… where did he come from?  And how did he get on my neck?  Including his tail, he was about 7 inches long.

Brenda at this point has come around the corner and down the hallway to see what the commotion is all about.  The lizard is now crawling up the wall of our room.  I tell her, “There was a lizard on my neck!”  She starts laughing.  I ask, “What are you laughing at?”  She responds, “Oh, I would have yelled a lot worse if it had been on my neck.”

We are debating how we are going to capture him.  I suggest we get the big plastic strainer.  Brenda responds, “No… that has a hole in it and he’ll be able to get out.  I’ll get the metal one.”  So she heads off to get the metal mesh strainer with the handle.  Now, some of you may be wondering why I don’t just pick him up with my hand… because that is not in the kung fu book.

By this time, our four-legged Martian friend is on the pebbly, popcorn ceiling.  I have to hand it to him – if I were walking barefoot on a rough service like that, I would be giving out all kinds of sound effects: “Ooh… ahh… oww… uhh…”  That’s why I’m not a surfer dude – I can’t be walking on rough surfaces in bare feet and still look cool.

Because our man is on the ceiling, I have to get a two-step stepstool to get to him.  I am now up at his level and I make my attempt.  But the handle of the strainer is not flush with the rim and so when I press it against the ceiling, there is a gap.  The lizard slithers out and then jumps on to my arm.

Being eyeball to eyeball with him, I let out another kung fu yell, “Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!,” and wriggle my arm.  Brenda laughs again.  He gets launched to the floor and goes scampering into our hallway bathroom and is probably looking for some GEICO commercial that he can crawl into.

He is probably wondering, “Why does this guy keep yelling in my face?!”

Brenda and I follow him in there to capture the intruder (he is not a guest… even though he is friendly, guests are invited… he was not).  He has gone behind the toilet and pressed himself up against the metal tubing that is behind there.  Brenda hands me the strainer like handing a scalpel to a surgeon.  I say to her, “That won’t work… the handle is not flat.  He’ll get out.”  She responds, “I have flattened it.”  My wife is an industrious woman.

Brenda goes and gets the fly swatter to shoo him out.

The lizard is now probably totally confused.  “Man… what is going on here?!  That guy thinks it’s some sort of late-night rerun of Kung Fu and now the lady has a fly swatter.  Do I look like some sort of giant fly or something?”

If he would come out and fight like a man, I would have a few questions of my own.  Like, “How did you get in here?  And how in the world did you get on my neck?”

Down in my kung fu stance with the nunchuck strainer, I wait for Brenda to poke around behind the toilet with the fly swatter to move him out of his hiding place.

Sure enough, he comes out and starts going up the wall of the shower.  With the slick surface, he was moving slower and I held the strainer underneath him and Brenda flicked him in with the fly swatter.  I quickly put a piece of cardboard over the strainer and take him outside and set him free in our front yard.

After all the high adventure of capturing our green friend, it is a good thing we had a holiday like Labor Day to rest from our labors.

 

Jeff Becraft is the Director Emeritus for Youth Corps and has dedicated much of his life to helping shift the vision of people’s lives. Youth Corps is a life-changing leadership development experience that inspires high school students to be leaders in the Midlands and beyond. You can connect with Jeff at [email protected].