Ladies, Please Put Your Pants On

By Jillian Owens
November 1, 2013

I remember the first time I saw a pantless young woman in public.  It was last year, on the USC Horseshoe.  There she was, clad in a cozy sweater, riding boots, and where pants should have been, there were only black tights.  My first instinct was to tell the poor thing that she had somehow forgotten to fully dress that morning, but I didn’t want to be rude.  Maybe she was having a walk of shame moment or she’d lost her pants in a bet.  Perhaps she was unstable and shouldn’t be provoked.  I saw no way to avoid an awkward situation, so I let it pass.

In the months that followed, I realized that this wasn’t an isolated fluke.  The number of pantless coeds increased throughout the fall and winter months.  These girls wandered through their days without any concern that they were only wearing tights, which are simply not pants.  I was hoping this trend would simply fade away, but this fall the tights are back…and they’re everywhere.

No. No. No. And No.

Here’s the problem.  Tights are not pants.  Leggings are not pants.  Tights and leggings are merely base layers that are meant to have other layers layered upon.  They simply can’t exist on their own.  While you might think it’s fine for everyone around you to see every contour of your fanny and thighs, perhaps you should think twice on that.  I get it.  You’re going for an equestrian look.  I just don’t understand why.  Are you going to a riding lesson after class?  If you were, you’d probably be more comfortable in actual riding breeches, which are pants.

Perhaps these ladies don’t understand what make pants…well…er…pants.  There are several features you should look for.  The first is pockets.  Do your pants have some sort of attached sewn-in pouch in which to place your change and gloss (fake pockets don’t count)? The next is some sort of a fly.  Do your pants have a zipper and/or button closure?  Are your pants totally opaque, or can you kind of see through them when you’re out in the sun (don’t be afraid to ask a friend)?  Now…which section of the store did you purchase your pants in?  Were they in the racks with all the other pants, or were they found in the lingerie section?  If your leg covers meet these qualifications, congratulations!  You are probably actually wearing real, honest-to-goodness pants!  

Of course there are exceptions to this rule.  I still don’t fully understand the function of jeggings, the strange jean/tights hybrid that seem to have been developed as a device intended to kill the wearer by slowly cutting off all circulation to the legs and buttocks…but I digress.

Leggings worn as pants don’t make sense.  They’re not warm.  They’re not flattering.  They’re not functional.  They can even lead to embarrassing situations depending on your undergarment choices!  I simply cannot wait for this trend to kick its cheap little spandex legs in the air and die.

I thought I was immune to this ubiquitous phenomenon.  I would certainly never stray into the land of the improperly clad!  But then, the other day I purchased a pair of Slim Fit Dress Pants.  They were comfy, stretchy and form-fitting.  I was quite pleased with them!  Then…to my horror I looked down and realized that I, too, needed to put some actual pants on.  

You should heed this warning.

Jillian Owens is a writer, designer, and eco-fashion revolutionary. A Columbia SC transplant, she graduated from the University of South Carolina with a BFA in Theatre and English. When she’s not gallivanting about, she’s busy refashioning ugly thrift store duds into fashionable frocks at ReFashionista.net. Jillian has been featured on The Rachael Ray Show, Good Afternoon America, ABC Columbia, Jasper Magazine, Skirt, Columbia Metropolitan, The Free Times, Grist, and NYC’s Guest of a Guest. She also reviews local theater productions for Jasper Magazine and Onstage Columbia.