Chomp!

By Ron Aiken

 

 

The Best Cheese Pizza Ever!

Frozen pizza will be the death of Chomp! Not because HE eats the foul villains, but because HIS FAMILY insists upon doing so, forcing Chomp! to die soon of disappointment.

I mean, it’s heartbreaking, especially seeing one up close. So, if you’re pregnant or thinking of becoming pregnant, please, FOR THE BABY, turn away now.

 

Just look at this nonsense! I direct your attention specifically to the pepperoni-less slice, middle right. It needs its own Sarah McLachlan commercial. If only there was a People for the Ethical Treatment of Appetites, Totino’s would catch holy hell.

 

I don’t want to use all my scorn for Totino’s, however, because there is a certain joy-stealing German (aren’t they all!) I have a beef with. I’m talking to you, Red Baron.

 

The only thing this Red Baron shoots down are Chomp!’s hopes for a nutritious meal for his family.

 

If you think you’ve seen some horrific images, prepare yourself, reader. Take a deep breath, close your eyes, count to 10 and make sure you’re seated or have a comfortable area upon which to fall, because THIS is what they do the frozen pizzas they make. Once again, if you’re pregnant or thinking of becoming pregnant…

 

Oh, the humanity! The horror! The disgust! WHYYYYYY?????????

 

OK, let’s turn our attention to more pleasing images, shall we? First, on a local pizza note, I can say the pizza below that we recently got from The Pizza Shack in Elgin was, and Chomp! is not exaggerating, THE BEST CHEESE PIZZA EVER. Not even kidding. The picture really doesn’t do it justice, but here it is:

 

 

Look how perfectly browned the top is! And the crust – divine, maybe in my top three in Columbia, maybe higher that that.

 

I don’t know what kind of devil magic they use, but Chomp! is under the spell of the Pizza Shack, as you should be. It’s not the BEST PIZZA in Columbia – that title rests now and forever with Zorba’s, but wow, it is seriously good.

And so we give Zorba’s their proper due in our lineup of pizza imagery, BEHOLD!!!!!!

 

Indeed, this is Columbia’s best pizza, the Zorba’s Special.

 

There is simply no argument you can make to convince me otherwise, unless you bring Chomp! your favorite pizza and share it with him and try real hard to convince him with delicious arguments. If you do so, Chomp! will hear your arguments and enjoy your pizza.

That’s it for now, citizens. Til next week, here’s hoping YOUR life is frozen-pizza free! For the baby!

 

 

 

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