August 2, 2013
Dear Debby and Jerry,
I am enjoying dating on one of the popular online dating sites. I’ve met some great guys and am thoroughly enjoying myself. I’m hoping you can give me some advice in solving a conundrum that has me concerned. When is the right time to sleep with your date? I know this is subjective, but can you give me some helpful tips in this department. I know some girlfriends that jump right in on the first or second date, and there are others that have a set number of meetings before anything is allowed to happen. This is all very frustrating, and I might add that most guys think it should be sooner rather that later.
Jen, Folley Beach, SC
If you put aside the subjective aspect for a moment, the hard statistics on first date bedding range from 10-30%, depending on the survey. Our guess is that the high end of the curve is prompted by the hook-up culture prevalent in the under age 30 demographics. A more traditional generation would fall in the lower percentage level. Granting that men are less prone (did I say that?) to place as much value on earlier sexual encounters, is wisely counter-weighed by women who wait. Because on-line subscribers are mostly seeking serious relationships, there is a tendency to push the speed-date button to get to an outcome that might be unreal or imagined in those they meet. So, I suppose one must rely on the “subjective”, that is the heart, rightfully co-mingled with testing that part of a relationship which imparts intimacy and fun.
Your concerns are real and you are wise to seek advice. The demographics do speak loudly and too many people rush into a physical relationship. It takes time to build trust and learn about each other. If this person is worth your time and effort, take your time. Listen to your heart and know that the more self-respect you have the more he will respect you. There are too many women that are ready to jump into bed and as Jerry said, men do not place as much value on these early encounters. Listen to your heart and use your brain.